Part One
[Colwyn Avenue]
(Welcome to Perivale, where a man is washing his car in the road whilst a black cat with piercing yellow eyes watches from atop a brick wall. His mother calls out from the terraced house.)
MOTHER: Dave, your dinner's on the table!
DAVE: All right, Mum!
(The black cat hisses. A wind starts to blow. Dave turns around and looks up then begins to run down the avenue, still clutching the soapy sponge and looking over his shoulder, until he trips over his own feet)
MAN: No!
(Flash! and the avenue is empty. His mother comes out of the house.)
MOTHER: Dave?
(The cat leaps off a car parked on the drive at the end of the avenue and runs away just as the Tardis materialises on the corner with Bleasdale Avenue)
ACE: You had to pick a Sunday, didn't you? You bring me back to the boredom capitol of the universe, you pick the one day of the week you can't even get a decent television programme.
DOCTOR: As I recall, Ace, we came here at your request.
ACE: I just said I wondered what the old gang was up to, that's all. You didn't have to bring us here. You could have dropped me up in town. I could have phoned. I just wanted to see what my old mates were up to. You didn't have to have the guided tour.
(The Doctor picks up the bucket that once contained soapy water and raises his hat to Dave's mother)
ACE: Come on, Professor.
DOCTOR: So what's so terrible about Perivale?
ACE: Nothing ever happens here.
[Back garden]
(There is a lot of mewing and shaking of plants. A prim middle-aged lady in horn-rimmed spectacles and Margaret Thatcher blue suit opens her window.)
WOMAN: Wretched cats! Get out of my garden!! Go on, out! Out! Shoo! Shoo!
(The black cat flees)
[Horsenden Hill]
(A large open space overlooking the whole area. It used to be a hill fort)
ACE: How long since I was here?
DOCTOR: You've been away as long as you think you have.
ACE: I feel like I've been away forever.
DOCTOR: Any particular reason for coming here?
ACE: It's Sunday. Some of the gang always comes up here on a Sunday.
DOCTOR: What for?
ACE: Oh, I don't know. Light a fire, muck about, you know. (The Doctor yawns.) Well, I told you it was dull. You don't have to hang around here. I'll meet you back at the Tardis if you want.
DOCTOR: Oh, I'm sure I'll find something to interest me.
ACE: Maybe they don't come up here anymore. There's no one around, is there? Nothing but tin cans and stray cats.
(The Doctor sniffs a tin can, then examines a print in a muddy area.)
DOCTOR: And horses.
ACE: Horses? In Perivale? Don't be stupid.
(A little way away, four boys are playing catch with a rugby ball. The black cat sits and watches from the hedge line.)
[Tent]
(A man with cat's eyes is also watching remotely)
MAN: Show me.(He also sees the game) No. No sport for you here.
[Horsenden Hill]
(The Doctor is by the notice board when the boys run off home with their ball. Ace has been using the public telephone box)
ACE: No one home. Are you really fed up?
DOCTOR: Mmm.
ACE: Do you mind if I just try down to the youth club?
DOCTOR: Mmm.
[Youth club]
(Played by EJY Martial Arts centre.)
ACE: Where is everyone? Look at this. (Ace taps the notice board.) We used to have the coffee bar here. What's happened to the coffee bar? I mean, it always was a dump, but at least you could meet people. Where is everyone?
(The Doctor opens the door to -)
[Gym]
(Lots of punch bags and floor mats, and boxing match posters around the wall. A moustachioed Army type is supervising a pair of lads wrestling.)
DOCTOR: Ace?
(One boy has the other in a painful arm lock.)
BOY: Come on, lift his arm.
PATERSON: Well, go on. Go on, lad. What are you waiting for? (Paterson has a Scottish accent)
STUART: I've beat him, Sarge!
PATERSON: Oh, you think we're playing games, do you? Let's pretend, eh? Is that it? Is that what you're going to do to help some villain, some mugger? Help him up, dust him down, shake hands? Go on!
(The other boy gets slammed to the mat.)
PATERSON: That's better. That's it. You all right, son?
WRESTLER 2: Yes, Sarge.
PATERSON: You sure? On your feet, then. You okay?
WRESTLER 2: Yeah.
PATERSON: Right, you go get cleaned up. (to the Doctor) I'll be with you in a minute. Okay, lads, shake hands and we'll see you next week, okay? Bye now. What?
STUART: I'd already beat him, Sarge!
PATERSON: Oh, you think I'm too hard, do you? Pushing you too hard, am I? Have you ever heard of survival of the fittest, son, eh? Have you ever heard of that? Life's not a game, son. I mean, I'm teaching you the art of survival. I'm teaching you to fight back. What happens when life starts pushing you around, son, eh? What're you going to do then?(Paterson's jabbing finger finally provokes the lad into swinging a clenched fist at him. The Sergeant grabs his arm easily.) That's better. You all right now, eh? You all right?
STUART: All right, Sarge.
PATERSON: Good. Off you go, then.
(All the boys leave.)
DOCTOR: Survival of the fittest. Rather a glib generalisation, don't you think? Survival for what, Mister er?
PATERSON: Sergeant Paterson. You show me a better way of surviving, and I'll give it a go.
ACE: Where's everyone else?
PATERSON: Who you looking for, luv?
[Youth club]
(The Doctor leaves the gym.)
ACE [OC]: Everyone! Everyone used to hang around here on Sundays. This was the only place you could get out of the house and out of the weather.
PATERSON [OC]: No, it's self-defence every Sunday afternoon now.
(The Doctor stops by a poster for the musical Cats, and thinks)
[Gymnasium]
PATERSON: I don't know what happened to the waste. Don't I know you from somewhere?
ACE: I don't think so.
PATERSON: Oh, that's right. The police let you off with a warning, didn't they?
[Youth club]
PATERSON [OC]: You were lucky.
ACE [OC]: Listen, I'm just looking for my friends, okay?
PATERSON [OC]: I don't think you'll have much luck, then.
(The Doctor sees the black cat sitting outside the entrance. It hisses at him.)
[Tent]
MAN: Ah.
[Youth club]
PATERSON: I think you'll find most of your crowd have moved on.
ACE: Moved on to where?
PATERSON: Well, I think you'd have a better idea of that than me, luv, eh? Where've you been hiding yourself?
ACE: Around.
PATERSON: Your mum had you listed as a missing person. You don't give a toss, do you? I dunno. Four kids gone missing just this month. Vanished into thin air. It's the parents I feel sorry for. Doesn't cost much to phone, luv. Ten pence, that's all.
ACE: Come on, Doctor.
(Ace leaves.)
PATERSON: I wouldn't be that age again if you paid me, would you?
DOCTOR: I can't remember. It's too long ago.
[Outside the Youth club]
(The black cat disappears around the corner.)
PATERSON: What a world to be young again in, eh? I reckon the only thing you can do is teach them to fight. That way, they'll fight or go under. Half of them go under anyway around here. Can't save 'em. Wasters.
(Paterson unpadlocks his bicycle.)
DOCTOR: Tell me Sergeant, do you have a problem with strays?
PATERSON: Stray what?
DOCTOR: Cats.
PATERSON: I wouldn't know. It's hardly a priority around here.
ACE: Come on, Doctor!
PATERSON: Doctor, eh? You're not in the best of shape yourself though, are you? You want to build yourself up. You know, I give a class down here Monday nights for the older men.
DOCTOR: I've got to see a man about a cat.
PATERSON: Remember, keep fit and self-defence. One finger can be a deadly weapon!
[Medway Parade]
(The Gazette poster proclaims Local Woman Still Missing Police Abandon Hope. Ace and the Doctor walk down the row of shops.)
ACE: Still looks the same. Dead. We were the only life there ever was around here.
(They come to the Drayton Court pub.)
ACE: I should have tried in here first, right? I wasn't thinking. Back in a sec.
(Ace goes inside the pub. The Doctor enters the general store, which is under new management)
[20 Medway Parade]
(Who turn out to be The Management)
HARVEY: Take this Sunday opening? Do you think I wanna do it?
LEN: Do you think I wanna do it? Do you think I want to give up my one day of rest to come in here and stand behind a cash register?
HARVEY: Standing behind a till all day can do your back in. I saw something about that on the news the other night.
LEN: Yeah. Law of the jungle, though, right?
HARVEY: Yeah. Survival of the fittest, mate.
LEN: I mean, all these other shops are open, aren't they? Where'd you think we'd be if we didn't join in?
HARVEY: Down the plughole. Down the plughole without a paddle, mate. Can I help you?
DOCTOR: Yes. Which do you think they'd prefer?
LEN: What?
DOCTOR: Well, these brands. Which one do you think our feline friends will find particularly irresistible?
HARVEY: Well, if you believe the advertisers, this is the one preferred by your cat connoisseur.
(Harvey hands the Doctor two cans of Furry cat food)
LEN: And that one has a taste all cat owners, who really care, put in the dish.
(Feline food.)
HARVEY: Whereas these ones have the smell that drives a tabby cat wild.
LEN: No, no, no. That's an aftershave ad.
HARVEY: Is it?
LEN: Or is it for cars?
HARVEY: All I know is, my Tiger prefers cheese.
DOCTOR: Cheese! Ah, yes.
(The Doctor wanders off to the dairy section)
HARVEY: It's the law of the jungle now, mate, innit?
LEN: Hmm. There are these two blokes, right? In a tent, in the jungle.
HARVEY: You got another one for me, ain't you? Go on, then, go on.
LEN: It's really dark, and they hear this terrible noise outside the tent. This terrible roaring noise. And one bloke turns to the other bloke and he says, do you hear that?
HARVEY: What?
LEN: I said, did you hear that?
HARVEY: Oh, right, yeah.
LEN: That was a lion.(The Doctor starts to pay attention to the anecdote.) And the other bloke, he doesn't say anything. He just starts putting on his running shoes. And the other bloke turns to him and says, what are you doing? You can't outrun a lion. The bloke turns to him and says, I don't have to outrun the lion.
HARVEY: (feeble laugh) Don't get it.
DOCTOR: He doesn't have to outrun the lion, only his friend. Then the lion catches up with his friend and eats him. The strong survive, the weak are killed. The law of the jungle.
HARVEY: Oh yeah. Very clever.
DOCTOR: Yes, very clever, if you don't mind losing your friend. But what happens when the next lion turns up?
(The cat is watching the Doctor.)
LEN: What next lion?
(The black cat burst out from behind the shelf of cat food and runs out of the shop.)
DOCTOR: I think you'd better get your running shoes on, gentlemen.
[Outside Drayton Court pub]
(The Doctor walks outside with an armful of cat food.)
DOCTOR: Did you find your friends, then?
ACE: No one even remembers them.
DOCTOR: I'm sure I've forgotten something.
LEN: Oi, haven't you forgotten something?
DOCTOR: Yes.
LEN: Money.
DOCTOR: No, it wasn't that.
ACE: I got lucky on the fruit machine.
(Ace has a pile of coins on the table outside the pub.)
DOCTOR: Lucky?
ACE: Well, they're all fixed anyway, those machines.
[Shop stock room]
(Harvey is looking for his pet with a torch.)
HARVEY: Tiger? Puss. Here, boy. Tiger? Puss. Here.(He finds something nasty on the floor.) Len!
LEN: What is it?
HARVEY: Something's eaten Tiger.
[Medway Parade]
(Further along, a miserable looking girl is shaking a Hunt Saboteur collecting tin outside the second hand shop.)
ACE: Ange!
ANGE: Oh, hi, Ace. I thought you were dead.
ACE: What?
ANGE: That's what they said. Either you were dead, or you'd gone to Birmingham. Who's he?
ACE: Oh, a friend of mine.
ANGE: Oh. So you back to see your family?
ACE: No.
ANGE: So what you doing here? You're well out of this dump.
ACE: I just wanted to see my friends, catch up a bit.
ANGE: Oh.
ACE: So where is everyone?
ANGE: Who?
ACE: Jay?
(The Doctor browses the old books on a trestle outside the shop.)
ANGE: Dunno. Moved over west someplace. Think he's doing window cleaning, that's what I heard.
ACE: Stevie?
ANGE: Oh, he's gone.
DOCTOR: Where are they all coming from?
ACE: Flo?
ANGE: Married Darth.
ACE: Darth Vader, the brain-dead plumber? Flo?
ANGE: Yeah. Makes you think, eh?
ACE: What about Shreela?
ANGE: Oh, she's gone.
ACE: Midge?
ANGE: He's gone, too.
ACE: Gone? What do you mean, gone?
ANGE: I don't know. Gone. Vanished.
ACE: People don't just vanish.
ANGE: You did.
ACE: Yeah, well, that's different.
ANGE: Is it?
ACE: Yeah. So when did they go?
ANGE: Dunno. Last month?
ACE: What?
ANGE: Well, Midge and Stevie went last month. Shreela went last week. They had to scrape her mum off the ceiling. Funny though, I always thought she got on well with her family.
ACE: This doesn't make sense.
ANGE: That's what I said. Know what I reckon?
ACE: What?
ANGE: UFOs. They whisk 'em off and do experiments on them like we do on animals. I wouldn't fancy cutting Stevie up to see what's inside, would you? Come on, give us ten pence, then.
DOCTOR: Not a very efficient way to hunt, is it? All that noise and pantomime just to slaughter one little animal. No, if you're going to hunt, you stalk your prey. You observe it, so you can take it by surprise, and then you don't kill too many. Cover your tracks, so you don't leave a smell. Can you smell that?
ANGE: Can't. Hay fever.
ACE: What are you talking about, Professor? Is something going on here?
DOCTOR: Not sure.
ANGE: Is he?
ACE: Professor!
DOCTOR: When is a cat not a cat? When it builds its own cat flap. (He takes a can of Feline Food from his plastic carry bag.) Bait, Ace. Bait.
ACE: Hang on, Professor!
[Tent]
MAN: Show me. Show me.
(Stuart is running down a street. He passes the black cat sitting on the wall.)
MAN: Yes, he'll do very well.
(A shadow falls across Stuart, and a wind blows. Scared of something taller than himself he tries to run, but falls, and then Flash! All is quiet again)
[Woodhouse Avenue]
ACE: I can't believe he said that, you know. That T.A. twit. I reckon that was well out of order. Ten pence. I mean, even if I could've phoned, which I couldn't really, do you think anyone would've listened to me?
DOCTOR: Tin opener.
ACE: It was just that time. Just the whole crowd. We had a really good laugh. I can't believe they've all just disappeared.
(The Doctor opens various packets of cat food, including Sheba, and puts them on the pavement)
ACE: Professor?
DOCTOR: Tin opener.
(Ace gets one from her jacket pocket and he opens the tin of Furry)
ACE: Professor?
DOCTOR: Hmm?
ACE: Are you listening to me?
DOCTOR: Quiet, Ace, I'm concentrating.
(Ace walks off as he spoons the contents onto the ground and then hides behind the nearest garden fence. First on the scene is a tabby.)
DOCTOR: No, you're not the one I'm after.
(The lady of the house knocks on the window.)
WOMAN: (mouths) What are you doing?
DOCTOR: Shush. Be quiet. Shoo.
(The cat runs off.)
[Playground]
(Ace sits on a slowly moving roundabout with the black cat nearby. She goes over to it, picks it up and sits on one of the swings. The cat hisses and wriggles out of her arms. The wind blows on her back. Ace turns to see a Cheetah sitting on a rearing horse, but she doesn't run.)
ACE: Wow.
(The Cheetah snarls at her, and then she runs, using the playground slides and other equipment to keep it away from her)
[Woodhouse Avenue]
(The Doctor's next customer is a dog.)
DOCTOR: Go on, go away! Go on! Shoo! Dog, go away!
ACE [OC]: Doctor!
DOCTOR: Ace!
(The Doctor runs out of the garden and down the avenue.)
[Playground]
(Ace is inside the climbing frame with the Cheetah circling her.)
ACE: Doctor!
(She makes her break and runs for her life. Flash! and Ace is at the top of a slope. She runs to the bottom and falls amongst bleached bones. The Doctor arrives to see the still-swinging swing.)
DOCTOR: So, they've taken you away, taken you to their planet, but I'll find you. I'll bring you back. They're not going to stop me. Nothing's going to stop me.
[Cheetah World]
(A purple sky hangs over active volcanoes in the distance. Ace runs over to where a group of cats are around the body of Dave the car-washer, then the feline horse rider appears on the ridge. The chase is on again.)
[Woodhouse Avenue]
(The black cat has taken the bait. The Doctor sneaks up and is about to grab it by the scruff of the neck when -)
DOCTOR: Got you!
PATERSON: Got you! Now, what do you think you're up to?
DOCTOR: Sergeant!
(Paterson has grabbed the Doctor's arm. The cat runs away.)
PATERSON: I've had complaints.
DOCTOR: What's it got to do with you?
PATERSON: Neighbourhood watch.
DOCTOR: I've no time for that. I've got to catch that cat!
PATERSON: You're a public nuisance.
DOCTOR: Will you leave me go?
PATERSON: Now, look, don't be stupid. Don't get yourself into real trouble.
(The Doctor pushes his finger against Paterson's forehead and the man drops like a stone.)
DOCTOR: One finger can be a deadly weapon.
[Cheetah World]
(Ace is managing to keep ahead of the horse and rider, but finally she falls and the rider dismounts. Then the lad from the Youth Club shouts out.)
STUART: Go away! Get away from here! Get away from here!
(The Cheetah chases him instead, and quickly fells him. Ace picks up a rock but the Cheetah runs past her, knocking her down, and mounts its horse again. It puts Stuart over the pommel and leaves. A young Indian woman comes out from the forest edge.)
SHREELA: Ace.
ACE: Shreela!
SHREELA: Ace, you shouldn't have run. They always go for you if you run.
[Behind the back gardens]
(The Doctor is crawling up on a group of dustbins and a bin bag on his hands and knees.)
DOCTOR: Why don't you come out and we'll talk about this sensibly, hmm?
(The black cat runs away. Paterson arrives at the end of the alley on his bicycle and spots the Doctor.)
PATERSON: Hey, come back! Come back here!
[Camp]
(A small fire has been lit in a clearing. Two young men in leather jackets are lounging by it.)
ACE: Midge!
MIDGE: Hi, Ace. Long time.
ACE: Is Stevie here, too?
SHREELA: He was.
MIDGE: Stevie? He's cat food, isn't he?
SHREELA: Stop it.
MIDGE: This is Derek. He's doing very well. He's been here three weeks. Only got flesh wounds.
SHREELA: We'll have to move on soon. They hunt at night sometimes.
MIDGE: They can see in the dark. You can't see them, just their eyes.
ACE: Just as well I'm here. You need sorting out, you lot?
[Street]
(The Doctor climbs onto a wall to approach the black cat. He is nearly there when someone grabs his ankle.)
PATERSON: Got you!
DOCTOR: Get off!
(The cat jumps off the wall and there is a Flash! The Doctor and Paterson fall too.)
[Cheetah camp]
DOCTOR: You stupid..
(They have landed next to a Cheetah person who is lying on the ground. There are other Cheetah people around, and tents nearby.)
PATERSON: Where the hell are we?
DOCTOR: Shut up, and we may survive.(The Doctor and Paterson back away carefully towards the tents. Cheetah people surround them.) Shush, shush.
(The Doctor pushes aside a tent flap to reveal a familiar bearded face.)
MASTER: Why, Doctor.(The Master's brown eyes turn cat yellow) What an unexpected pleasure.
