[Tardis]
(Ruby has walked into the unlocked Tardis at the end of The Church on Ruby Road.)
RUBY: Who are you?
DOCTOR: I'm the Doctor. You don't have to stand over there. Come and have a look. It's called the Tardis.
(Snaps his fingers and the lighting changes.)
RUBY: Ooo! Nice! But hold on. I can't call you Doctor. No, I want to know your name.
DOCTOR: Yeah, that's er... that's tricky, because I was adopted, and the planet that took me in, they were kind of... they were kind of posh. They'd use titles like the Doctor, or the Bishop, or the Rani, or the Conquistador. Say Doctor for a thousand years and it becomes my name.
RUBY: Okay. The planet. Parking that. Thousand years, double parked. So you're a doctor, but you're... the police?
DOCTOR: Police box. No. No, no, no, no, that's a disguise.
RUBY: Oh.
DOCTOR: Inside, it's a Time and Space machine, but outside, it's like a chameleon, 'cos once I landed in 1963 and they used to have police boxes on street corners.
RUBY: 1963?
DOCTOR: Yep.
RUBY: Okay. Ooo, jukebox. I like that.
DOCTOR: Mmm.
RUBY: Okay, so, back to the planet.
DOCTOR: My world was called Gallifrey.
RUBY: Gallifrey? And where's that?
DOCTOR: Gone! Ruby, it's gone. It's gone. They died. There was a genocide, and they died. So the one that was adopted was the only one left. I am the last of the Time Lords. And I am so, so glad to be alive. This thing flies. Do you want to see?
(The gravity goes off, the Tardis dematerialises, gravity back on. Never done that before.)
DOCTOR: Let's have a random landing.
RUBY: Whoa!
DOCTOR: Hoo-hoo! Ooo... 150 million years in the past.
RUBY: No!
DOCTOR: Really.
RUBY: No, you've got to be k... You are kidding. Don't be so ridiculous. Are there dinosaurs out there?
DOCTOR: I don't know. Go and have a look.
RUBY: Wait! No. Is it safe? What if I change history by stepping on a butterfly or summat?
DOCTOR: Well, that's not going to happen, is it? Who steps on butterflies? You'd literally have to be like, "Wait. Come 'ere, butterfly! "Come 'ere, 'ave it!"
[Prehistoric Earth]
RUBY: Oh, my God. That... that's so beautiful.
DOCTOR: And Tardis stands for Time And Relative Dimension In Space, huh? So we've moved location as well. This will be North America. One day, this is Wyoming. A little town called Green River. (Ruby's boot steps on a butterfly.) Oh! (Ruby is no longer a human)
RUBATHON: What's wrong? Did I do something wrong? Because I am Rubathon Blue of the 57th Hemisphere Hatchlings, and I do not do wrong things, Dok-tah.
DOCTOR: But...
RUBATHON: If you have made an incorrect accusation, I will have to kill you.
DOCTOR: No, no, no. Just wait, wait a minute. Just...
RUBATHON: What are you doing?
DOCTOR: Nothing, just...
(He scoops up the butterfly, breathes on it, and it flies off. The human is back.)
RUBY: Am I missing summat?
DOCTOR: Nothing. Let's try that again, okay?
RUBY: Thank you.
DOCTOR: Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
[Tardis]
DOCTOR: Okay. Controls are new. Completely forgot... the butterfly compensation switch. Good. Right. Yes. Let's go forward. Give me a number. Give me a year.
RUBY: Er, two.
DOCTOR: Two.
RUBY: One.
DOCTOR: One.
RUBY: Five.
DOCTOR: Five.
RUBY: Oh.
DOCTOR: Oh.
RUBY: Ah, six!
DOCTOR: Six! Ah! Five numbers! I like it!
(The Tardis travels the Vortex.)
[Space station]
RUBY: But we're indoors. We got through walls. Ah-ha. Is that like a matter transporter, like in Star Trek?
DOCTOR: We've got to visit them one day.
RUBY: Hey, but you said the Tardis was like a chameleon, but it still looks like a police box.
DOCTOR: Oh, it's, er... it's broken. Most of the universe is knackered, babes. Okay. Come, come, come, come.
RUBY: Oh, it stinks!
DOCTOR: Something is wrong with this place. It is a space station reaching overload. Whoa! Whoa!
RUBY: No, you've made it worse.
(Something snarls nearby. They both jump.)
DOCTOR: No, that is worse.
RUBY: Is that a monster?
DOCTOR: No. No, don't be silly, Ruby. There's no such thing as monsters, there's just... just creatures you haven't met yet. Hi there.
(The creature roars.)
RUBY: Run?
DOCTOR: Run! Run! Run! (They and the monster are visible on monitors as they run down passages.) Come on! In here, in here, in here, in here.
RUBY: But...now we're trapped! Now we're trapped! Push the button! Doctor!
DOCTOR: Okay. (The tiny one-person lift takes them up. The Doctor's hand is over Ruby's eyes.) Oh, yeah, yeah. (The lift abruptly arrives)
[Birth Zone 6]
DOCTOR: The question is, why did I run?
RUBY: 'Cos it was scary.
DOCTOR: It was new. I love meeting new things, so why did it give me the shivers? I couldn't run fast enough. I was like whoosh!
RUBY: Well, it'd help if we knew where we were.
DOCTOR: Yet again, push the button. (The lights come on so they can see all the glassware, containing...) Oh. Oh, we're on a baby farm. Ha-ha! A parthenogenesis machine. What is it with you and babies?
RUBY: I was going to say the same thing to you.
DOCTOR: We've gone from baby to baby. I'm not saying things are connected, and yet... things connect.
RUBY: Well, I'm the one looking for my parents, and you've got a Time and Space machine. So this place grows babies. What for? Food?
DOCTOR: Food? What? What?! Food? They're not tomatoes!
RUBY: Well, excuse me. There's a big hungry thing downstairs.
DOCTOR: Baby farms boost the population. Sometimes a world goes sterile or... I don't know, goes mad and bans kissing.
RUBY: So these babies are human, yeah?
DOCTOR: Yep, grown for a colony world.
RUBY: And a colony world is not Earth?
DOCTOR: Hey. Okay, one last time, push the button.
(And a shield retracts to reveal that they are in orbit.)
RUBY: We made it. The human race, we survived. We went to the stars. And ten minutes ago, Doctor, just ten minutes ago, you said genocide. Your people are gone.
DOCTOR: Yeah.
RUBY: How do you keep going?
DOCTOR: For days like this, Ruby Sunday. I don't have a people. I don't have a home. But I don't have a job, either. I don't have a boss, or taxes or rent or bills to pay. I don't have a purpose or a cause, or a mission, but I have... ..freedom. And so I keep moving on, to see the next thing, and the next, and the next. And sometimes... it looks even better through your eyes.
RUBY: So where's this, then?
DOCTOR: Oh, er... (Calls it up on a screen.) Huh. Planet Pacifico del Rio.
RUBY: Oh, that's in English. They speak English here? English exists?
DOCTOR: Er, no. No, no, no. Humans all speak one language by this point. A bit like Cantonese. This is what it really looks like, but the Tardis translates. It's got a perception filter, so it helps you fit into every time and place.
RUBY: Right, and my mum, she's long gone now.
DOCTOR: Can I see your phone?
RUBY: Yes.
DOCTOR: So, my sonic screwdriver can make the distance between you and Earth 19,000 years or... one phone call.
RUBY: What?
DOCTOR: Carla. Phone her.
RUBY: But...
DOCTOR: Your mum, Ruby. Call your mum.
[Ruby's home / Birth Zone 6]
CARLA: Well? What is it now?
RUBY: Mum?
CARLA: Yes, Mum, obviously. You've just ran out the door ten seconds ago. Why are you phoning me? You went like the wind. Where are you going?
RUBY: Yeah. Yes, I will... I'll, er... I'll catch up with you in a minute. Bye. Love you. Love you. Merry Christmas!
[Birth Zone 6]
RUBY: That was my mum, on Christmas Eve. On my birthday, ten minutes ago. That's the best signal ever. How much does that cost?
DOCTOR: I want to know what the hell is wrong with this place. Do you see? It's calm up here, but underneath it is seething, just like downstairs with that creature. There's got to be a crew or a captain...
(Enter a child in a motorised push-chair.)
ERIC: This is Eric, reporting from Birth Zone 6. I keep getting these temperature fluctuations. I've opened up safety valves 10 to 16. Tried cross-matching with the CO2 exchange, but until we get that pressure down, I can't...
DOCTOR: Hi.
RUBY: You all right?
ERIC: But... you. Oh. We've been waiting for an awfully long time. Mummy! Daddy!
DOCTOR: Oh, no.
RUBY: No, no. No, darling, we're not...
ERIC: Boys-oh-boys, I've got to tell everybody Mummy and Daddy are here.
(Leaves the room)
RUBY: A baby farm. Run by babies.
DOCTOR: Ha-ha! Space babies!
(They follow Eric along a corridor with crayon drawings on the lower part of the wall)
[Control room]
ERIC: They're here. They came at last. Mummy and Daddy are here.
(All the crew are in electric pushchairs)
BABIES: Mummy and Daddy! They came back!
DOCTOR: Hello, space babies.
BABIES: Hello, Daddy. Hi, Daddy. Hello, Daddy!
DOCTOR: Oh.
POPPY: Everyone, back to work. Show Mummy and Daddy what a good job we've been doing. Make them proud.
(The controls are jury-rigged with string and wooden pointers so the babies can activate them)
MARCEL: My job is to keep the pipes clean. I'm proud of the pipes.
ADJANI: And I keep the oxygen nice and cool. We need oxygen to breathe.
SANDRA: And I pull this string and that string. I'm not sure what they do, but I pull them very hard.
ERIC: And I made this for you. It's a little flower.
RUBY: Thank you.
POPPY: I'm Captain Poppy and I kept the station running for Mummy and Daddy, because we knew you'd come back for us one day. We waited.
DOCTOR: Right. You're not supposed to be running this place. This isn't Baby World. You got left behind when the adults... ..vamoosed?
POPPY: We took over. We were very brave.
RUBY: Right. That's great. That's, oh, that's good. That's amazing. You've done a really great job.
DOCTOR: I'm sorry, Poppy, I'm so sorry, but we are not your mummy and daddy. I wish we were, but we're not.
ERIC: They left us. Where did they go?
RUBY: I don't know, darling, but... I'm Ruby and this... this is the Doctor. And we're your friends. Yeah, got you. I've got you, I've got you, I've got you, I've got you.
(She picks up Eric from his pushchair.)
BABIES: And me! And me! And me! And me!
DOCTOR: Oh, gosh.
BABIES: And me! And me!
DOCTOR: Captain Poppy, when was the last time that you had a hug?
POPPY: Never.
DOCTOR: Oh. Oh, baby, it's okay. Come here, it's okay. It's okay, it's okay. Shh-shh-shh. Aww, never had a hug.
RUBY: Come on, you can all have a hug.
(Later, with everyone back in their pushchairs)
POPPY: Did I get things wrong, Doctor?
DOCTOR: Well, according to this, the crew went home. They abandoned ship and they left you guys behind. I don't know why, but they left the birth machine running, so you lot grew up, but you stayed the same size. Baby size. Space babies.
POPPY: But are we wrong?
DOCTOR: What do you mean?
POPPY: We're not meant to be like this. Did we grow up wrong?
DOCTOR: Oh, Poppy. Oh, Popsicle. Look at me. Look at me. Nobody grows up wrong. You are what you are, and that is magnificent.
POPPY: But Mummy and Daddy left us.
DOCTOR: That's okay. Mine did, too.
POPPY: What happened?
DOCTOR: Well, I was found.
POPPY: Hooray!
DOCTOR: Yeah. Little baby me was left alone in the middle of outer space, and guess who took me in.
POPPY: I don't know.
DOCTOR: The Time Lords.
POPPY: Ooo.
DOCTOR: Can you say it like me?
POPPY: The Time Lords.
DOCTOR: That's it, P-P-P-P-Pop. But the point is, is that it doesn't matter where I come from, because I am absolutely lovely, aren't I? (Poppy yawns) That wasn't rhetorical, Pops.
POPPY: Yes, you are.
DOCTOR: And do you want to know my secret? There's no one like me in the whole wide universe. No one like me exists, and that's true of everyone. It's not a problem, Captain Pops. It's a superpower. High five. Yeah.
POPPY: Yeah!
(Ruby is dandling Eric, with the other babies in a semi-circle.)
RUBY: So you're Eric. And you're Tasha. And Ruben. And then there's Saltine and Boo.
ERIC: I love you, Ruby.
RUBY: Aw, I love you too, Eric. But how do you manage all on your own?
ERIC: We've got Nanny. Say hello, Nanny.
NAN-E: Good afternoon, children, and welcome to our new visitors.
DOCTOR: Oh. Nanomatrix Electroform. Nan-E. Right. Hi, Nan-E. I'm the Doctor, and this is Ruby.
NAN-E: We have visitors, children.
ERIC: Nanny!
NAN-E: Noses must be blown. Activate nose-blow.
DOCTOR: Er...
NAN-E: One, two, three and... blow. (Mechanical hands on the pushchairs put handkerchiefs to the babies' noses. They blow into them, then the dirty handkies are dropped into a disposal tube.) Well done, children And now, children, back to work. Nappies are changed at 1800 hours.
RUBY: Oh, can't wait to see that.
DOCTOR: Right. So it's you lot? It's Nan-E And downstairs, is that your pet dog?
(Everyone screams and cries.)
ERIC: That's not a doggo.
RUBY: What is it then, Eric?
ERIC: The Bogeyman (All the babies cry)
RUBY: Shush, shush, shush. Shush, shush, shush.
DOCTOR: No. Gosh.
ERIC: We don't like the Bogeyman.
RUBY: No, no, no. Shush, shush. I did not mean to scare you. There is no such thing as the Bogeyman. That thing was more sort of like a er...
DOCTOR: Bogeyman!
RUBY: No, stop it! No, stop it! Nan-E, tell them there's no such thing as the Bogeyman.
NAN-E: Nan-E is scared of the Bogeyman.
DOCTOR: Then what is the Bogeyman doing down there, and why... why is it so scary?
(Puts it on monitor. The babies wail.)
RUBY: Doctor, turn it off.
DOCTOR: Okay.
RUBY: No, listen to me. Listen to me.
DOCTOR: I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, babies. Space babies. I'm sorry.
POPPY: Oh, Ruby...
(The Doctor finds a headset and puts it on, then works a computer.)
DOCTOR: Right. Nan-E. These babies are trying their best - space babies - but this station is in trouble. You have got a build-up of pressure in Hull 3-B. Something is ramping up down where the Bogeyman lives. And if that continues... baby boom.
NAN-E: Portal 3-5-7.
DOCTOR: Okay, what's that?
NAN-E: Access Portal 3-5-7.
DOCTOR: That's on this floor. What is it?
NAN-E: Access Portal 3-5-7.
DOCTOR: Yeah, it is just a storage unit. What would I need to go there for?
NAN-E: Oh, for God's sakes, 3-5-7. Come on!
RUBY: Where do you think you're going?
DOCTOR: Portal 3-5-7!
RUBY: Right. Great. Ok. Coming!
[Corridor]
RUBY: So, is this what you do, Doctor? I mean, in life? You help? That's like your... purpose?
DOCTOR: No, no, I'm just, er... helping babies - space babies. Ha! Listening to my hearts. Two hearts. Plural.
RUBY: Okay. Two hearts. But what if helping the babies takes six weeks? Or ten years? Because my mum's still waiting for me.
DOCTOR: Back home, on your birthday. Yeah, it's strange, your life. You were abandoned, like this lot. If things connect, then you are connecting like crazy. You don't know anything about your birth mother or your father? They didn't leave a note or a scrap of paper...?
RUBY: Nothing. I was... I was just left.
DOCTOR: By the church.
RUBY: In the snow.
DOCTOR: On Ruby Road. (The Doctor sees a figure point at him by the church.)
RUBY: Doctor...
DOCTOR: What?
RUBY: It's snowing. Okay, what just happened? I said snow, and we've got... ..snowflakes.
DOCTOR: It's like a memory just came through, from the day that you were born.
RUBY: But how? Is this the sort of thing that happens with time travel?
DOCTOR: I have been to the ends of time and back, and I have never seen anything like this before.
RUBY: Then what does it mean?
DOCTOR: I don't know. (The snow has stopped.) Oh, I thought my birth was crazy...
RUBY: Oh, yeah.
DOCTOR: Oh... I wonder who she is. Your mother. The memory changed. She was pointing at me. (A door opens.)
JOCELYN: I said Portal 3-5-7. Don't just stand there yapping, you pair of idiots. Get inside!
RUBY: Who's she?
DOCTOR: Nan-E. Ha!
RUBY: Oh.
[Portal 357]
RICO [on screen]: This is Captain Rico Trieste, signing off duty from Babystation Beta, Pacifico date 56-56-22. For the record, I'm signing off under protest and wish to condemn this course of action.
LUCIA [on screen]: Chief Engineer Lucia Colasanto signing off, 56-56-22. And I'd like to say for the record, the company's actions are appalling. I will be launching an appeal against this as soon as we're home.
(Jocelyn fixes a gas leak with a blow from a wrench.)
GINA [on screen]: This is Comms Officer Gina Scalzi signing off, 56-56-22.
DOCTOR: So the crew went home, and left the babies behind? Space babies.
JOCELYN: It's the recession. The government closed the Babystation to save money, but the law says it's illegal to stop the birth machine. (Another leak, another thump with the wrench.) But how did you arrive? Have you got a way out of here?
DOCTOR: I've got a ship, yeah, it's er... What is your name - sorry, Nan-E?
JOCELYN: Jocelyn, Jocelyn Sancerre. I was the on-site accountant. I don't know how this place works.
(The Doctor plugs his sonic into the computer.)
DOCTOR: Jocelyn, hold on, hold on, hold on. This... this can help. If you leave this to sync up, that should recalibrate the whole shebang.
JOCELYN: Thank you. Wanna swap?
RUBY: Hang on. So the planet down below refused to stop the babies being born... but once they're born, they don't look after them?
JOCELYN: It's a very strange planet.
RUBY: It's not that strange.
DOCTOR: But you stayed behind.
JOCELYN: I couldn't leave them. And I tried with this place. But I'm not an engineer. The machine went out of sync, I patched it back, but then the education software ran out of control. It's a mess. And I've been all on my own, watching the kids, for six years.
DOCTOR: But I don't understand. They are gorgeous. Why would you hide?
JOCELYN: Cos I don't want to see them die. And I don't want them to see me die. 'Cos that's how bad it is. This is a closed station. There's only so much air. There's only so much food. The last thing I'll do is give them the air out of Portal 3-5-7. But then... ..then you came along.
RUBY: Can't you fly somewhere else?
JOCELYN: What do you mean, fly?
DOCTOR: Er, space station. Stationary, no engines. This great big thing can't move. It's just stuck in orbit, which is a shame, because this is a nice little system.
JOCELYN: The fifth planet out, Mondo Caroon, that's a DuBarryDuPlessy world.
DOCTOR: Oh, that's good. DuBarryDuPlessy is a starwide organisation. It means they can take in lots of refugees.
RUBY: Oh. Well, can't we call them for help?
JOCELYN: They don't go and fetch refugees. That's the fate of every refugee in the universe. You physically have to turn up on someone else's shore. And we can't move.
DOCTOR: But now you have a ship. Plenty of room. It's called the Tardis. The trouble is, between us and the ship is the Bogeyman.
JOCELYN: What is that thing?
BOTH: You don't know?
JOCELYN: It's nothing to do with me. It's not part of the manifest. It's not like anything I've ever seen.
DOCTOR: No, nor me. But it reminds me of something. What is it? And what is its skin made of? And why... was I so scared?
JOCELYN: Because it's terrifying.
DOCTOR: Yeah, but I've met a million ugly bugs. I'm an ugly bug. That thing made me run, and I just wonder why.
RUBY: Okay. Thing is, this place is completely mad, but it sort of makes sense. Because you've got babies, you've got a nanny, and you've got the Bogeyman. You've literally got a monster living down below. It's a children's story come to life.
DOCTOR: And every story has its hero.
(They spot someone on the screen.)
RUBY: That's Eric. Is that Eric?
JOCELYN: Eric, get out of there.
[Space station]
NAN-E: Eric, please vacate this area.
[Portal 357]
DOCTOR: Oh, is that how it works?
JOCELYN: Nan-E filter. Eric, get out now.
[Space station]
NAN-E: Eric will leave immediately.
ERIC: No, Nanny! I'm being brave.
[Portal 357]
JOCELYN: Eric, for God's sake, run!
[Space station]
NAN-E: Eric, invoking the deity, accelerate perambulation.
ERIC: I'm doing what Ruby said.
[Portal 357]
RUBY: What?
[Space station]
ERIC: I love Ruby, and she said there's no such thing as the Bogeyman. So I'm going to find the naughty doggo and tell him off. (He meets the Bogeyman.) But I'm so scared.
[Portal 357]
RUBY: Oh, my God, it's my fault!
[Birth Zone 6]
RUBY: Eric, I'm coming! I'm coming! I'm coming! I'm coming! I'm coming! I'm coming!
[Space station]
(Ruby and the Doctor take the little lift down, and find Eric's pushchair fallen over.)
RUBY: Oh.
DOCTOR: Nan-E, where's the Bogeyman?
[Portal 357]
JOCELYN: It's about 400 metres north-west of you. But still no sign of Eric. I can't get a proper fix. I told you, these systems are a crock of...
[Space station]
NAN-E: ..waste products.
DOCTOR: Mind your language, Nan-E.
RUNY: Okay, Doctor, if we make a ton of noise, then the Bogeyman will come for us and leave Eric alone, yes?
DOCTOR: Yes.
RUBY: Okay, right.
DOCTOR: Yes. Yes, yes.
(They pick up things to hit the pipework with and move off.)
RUBY: Bogeyman! Bogeyman!
BOTH: Bogeyman! Bogeyman!
[Portal 357]
JOCELYN: It's moving. It heard you.
[Space station]
RUBY: Okay, nice plan, but what now?
DOCTOR: I think... if I was very, very little and I knew the Bogeyman was coming... I would need to change my nappy. 'Cos I can detect...
(In a locker.)
DOCTOR: Space baby! Oh, Eric.
RUBY: We've got you, we've got you.
DOCTOR: Oh, you poor thing. It's okay.
RUBY: I know, I know. I know.
[Portal 357]
JOCELYN: Not west, I meant east.
[Space station]
DOCTOR: Go, go. It's all right, it's all right. It's all right, it's all right, it's all right. All right, all right. It's all right.
RUBY: It's okay, it's okay.
DOCTOR: All right.
(The Bogeyman moves off. They come out of hiding, and there it is. They run)
[Portal 357]
JOCELYN: Don't you touch them, you...
[Space station]
NAN-E: ..illegitimate person.
DOCTOR: Go! Go. It's a dead end. (The Bogeyman is there.) Whoa! It's okay, it's okay. You're okay.
(The Bogeyman is attacked by flames. It runs away.)
POPPY: Babies to the rescue!
DOCTOR: Ha! Space babies!
RUBY: Babies with a flame-thrower!
DOCTOR: Babies, babies, babies, you did brilliant! You did so great! Space babies, you need to go, okay? Get.. get out of here.
(He whistles up Eric's pushchair.)
RUBY: Okay, let's get you in here, come on. Let's get you in there. Nan-E, tell them what to do.
NAN-E: Children will return to the upper levels or have no expletive dinner.
BABIES: Goodbye.
DOCTOR: Okay, er, you... you go with them. I've got to stay here. Not just for the Tardis, but I've got to find out what that thing is.
RUBY: If that's you telling me to leave you on your own, then... Oh, Doctor. Well, come on.
(They head back through the stinky area.)
DOCTOR: Ooo! Whew! Whew! So how did this begin, Jocelyn?
[Portal 357]
JOCELYN: First I knew, six years ago, it was like a rattling in the pipes. Then the howling began. By the time I got the cameras working, there it was. The Bogeyman. I don't know how it even exists.
[Space station]
RUBY: And that was six years ago?
DOCTOR: Shh-shh-shh.
RUBY: Oh. That's the same time the babies were born.
DOCTOR: It's leaving... some sort of spoor. Man, that's a good word. Spoor.
NAN-E: What the bleep-bleep is that?
RUBY: Oh, Jocelyn, turn the filter off.
[Portal 357]
JOCELYN: What is that stuff?
DOCTOR (on screen): If I could get this to your machine, it could analyse it.
JOCELYN: The machine's got a vent in the basement. Follow the corridor. Left, straight ahead, left again.
[Space station]
DOCTOR: Into the belly of the beast. Yeah, this stuff is slippy, Rubes. Be careful.
(She slips then gets dribbled on from a pipe outlet.)
RUBY: Oh. Ah. Oh, my God. Oh, this is disgusting. Don't call me Rubes!
DOCTOR: Are we almost there, Joce? This gunk stuff is sealing the whole place off. Oh, but never mind, because... Ah! We are right under the parthenogenesis machine. Now, let's make sense of this thing. Ah, according to the machine... Oh.
RUBY: What?
DOCTOR: It has been right in front of us. We've been saying it all along. It's all one machine. One up above, and one down below. The one up above grew the babies. The one down below...
RUBY: It grew the Bogeyman.
DOCTOR: Yes!
RUBY: I said this. I told you so. Six years ago, the machine is mother and father to the babies, and mother and father to the Bogeyman.
DOCTOR: And why? Because Jocelyn said that the educational software ran out of control, and then you said...
RUBY: It's like a story. The teaching software, it told a story.
DOCTOR: It invented the Bogeyman.
RUBY: For the babies.
DOCTOR: For the space babies.
RUBY: The machine is literal, like a computer. It literally said, "Babies need fiction, they need stories, they need monsters."
DOCTOR: Yes. That is why I'm so scared. It's all deliberate, it's infrasound. The Bogeyman is roaring at 17 hertz, that's the exact pitch designed to make you scared. It's scary because it's meant to be. The machine made it tall and big and noisy, and it built it out of... Oh.
RUBY: What.
DOCTOR: Oh, Ruby.
RUBY: What?
DOCTOR: Oh, man.
RUBY: Tell me what it is.
DOCTOR: I can't.
RUBY: Doctor!
DOCTOR: Ruby, I have travelled the universe and back and seen many, many things. Nothing... is as bad as this. A Bogeyman is made out of what?
RUBY: I don't know.
DOCTOR: The machine is literal, and the name is Bogeyman.
RUBY: So?
DOCTOR: Oh, babes. Space babes. We saw it. The nose-blowing. The machine was literal, and so it grew the Bogeyman out of bogeys.
RUBY: What?
DOCTOR: All of this is bogeys.
RUBY: No.
DOCTOR: Yes.
RUBY: No.
DOCTOR: Yes.
RUBY: No.
DOCTOR: No wonder it was shedding its skin. Doesn't everyone?
RUBY: No, no, no, no.
DOCTOR: It's snot.
RUBY: It's not.
DOCTOR: Oh, Ruby, it is a living sneeze!
RUBY: But it's in my...
DOCTOR: I know.
RUBY: Oh, my God! This is the worst thing that has ever happened to anyone! Don't laugh!
DOCTOR: Sorry. Oh, isn't the universe mad?
RUBY: Oh yeah, it just made a monster out of snot.
DOCTOR: Oh, Ruby Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, that is... so funny.
(The monster is in front of them.)
RUBY: Bogeyman.
DOCTOR: Run. Run! Go!(A barrier blocks their path.) No, no, no, no!
[Portal 357]
JOCELYN: Don't worry, it's me. Turn right. It's your device. It's calibrated. It's brilliant! I've got control at last. Now trust me. Turn right!
DOCTOR [on screen]: This isn't the way to the lift!
JOCELYN: Keep going.
(She unlocks doors remotely)
[Space station]
RUBY: Ah!
DOCTOR: Go, go, go, go!
RUBY: I'm coming, I'm coming!
[Portal 357]
JOCELYN: It's catching up!
[Space station]
RUBY: Coming!
(A door slides closed between them and the Bogeyman.)
DOCTOR: Whoa!
RUBY: Yeah, thanks for using us as bait. Just next time ask!
[Portal 357]
DOCTOR [on screen]: Oh, wait until we tell you what that thing is made of!
JOCELYN: You can tell me later. Once I've got rid of it. I will protect my children and blast that thing into space!
[Airlock door]
DOCTOR: It's an airlock. (The Bogeyman is hanging on for dear life) It is one of the children, Jocelyn! I... She's got the sonic. Jocelyn, Jocelyn!
COMPUTER: Oxygen field at 10%.
DOCTOR: Okay, okay, okay, okay. We haven't got time. Stop Jocelyn, yeah?
RUBY: Wait...
DOCTOR: Left, second right, next left, you'll get to the lift.
RUBY: What about you?
DOCTOR: Left, second right, next left!
RUBY: Right, okay.
(She runs off)
[Control room]
COMPUTER: Oxygen field at 9%.
POPPY: You're hurting him.
ERIC: Stop it, Nanny. Stop it!
COMPUTER: Oxygen field at 8%.
[Airlock door]
DOCTOR [memory]: I am the last of the Time Lords.
RUBY [memory]: How do you keep going?
DOCTOR [memory]: For days like this. I'm the only one of me in the whole, wide universe. No one else like me exists, and that is true of everyone.
DOCTOR: The only one of its kind.
COMPUTER: Oxygen field at 7%. (The Doctor opens the airlock door and holds it open with his body.) Oxygen field at 6%. (Then he goes inside, hanging on, with the Bogeyman just beyond reach.) Oxygen field at 5%. Oxygen field at 4%. (Then he lets go, and lands on the hull between the open outer door and the big red button.) Oxygen field at 3%.
DOCTOR: Push...the button.
COMPUTER: Oxygen field at 2%. Venting reverse. Venting reverse.
[Portal 357]
(Ruby runs in and grabs the sonic)
JOCELYN: No!
RUBY: That's what you do, Jocelyn. You save them all.
COMPUTER: Oxygen field at 1%.
(The outer airlock door is closed, the air stops rushing out. The Doctor and the Bogeyman drop to the floor.)
RUBY: You save them all. Come here. It's okay, it's okay.
(Jocelyn cries in Ruby's arms)
[Control room]
DOCTOR: Attention! Calling Captain Poppy. Calling all crew. Especially you, Eric. Plus Ruby and Jocelyn Sancerre.
ERIC: Nanny was really naughty.
JOCELYN: I know, and I'm so sorry. All of you. I was just... on my own for such a very long time.
ERIC: We still love you, Nanny.
BABIES: Yay! We do!
DOCTOR: But-but-but-but-but-but... your favourite monster is fine. Look. Look, look, look, look.
BABIES: Yay!
(On a monitor, the Bogeyman howls like a wolf, and the babies copy it.)
DOCTOR: But listen, listen, babies, space babies, your world is over here.
BABIES: Wow!
DOCTOR: The world of Mondo Caroon. But... but you can't get there. Got no engines! Except, turns out, that build-up of pressure in Hull 3-B is from you.
BABIES: Huh?
DOCTOR: Huh? 'Cos the system went wrong, and that's where it stacked up all your nappies. No wonder it was stinking down there. For six years, a great big pile of sh...
JOCELYN: Nan-E filter.
DOCTOR: ..shizzle. A zillion metric tonnes of methane, babies. Space babies. But I am going to let it rip!
(The waste gets vented in a massive grey cloud, and the space station gets propelled out of orbit.)
DOCTOR: Oh, set sail for your new home. Baby World!
RUBY: Come here now. Are you happy now, Eric?
ERIC: I'm very, very happy. I love you, Ruby.
[Outside the Tardis]
RUBY: So that was a normal day for you, then?
DOCTOR: No, no. That was extra-special nuts. And you, Ruby Sunday, get this. Your very own Tardis key.
RUBY: What for?
DOCTOR: I have the whole universe at my fingertips, and I'm all on my own. So I'd love it if you came with me.
RUBY: To what, just travel?
DOCTOR: No job. No boss. Just fun.
RUBY: We did almost die.
DOCTOR: Yes. But we lived so much, too.
RUBY: Yes, we did. Yes, we did. Yes, yes, we did. Yep, we did, we did. We did. Yes.
DOCTOR: Yes?
RUBY: Yes.
DOCTOR: Yes?
RUBY: Yes. Oh, my God.
DOCTOR: Yes? Yes! Yes! Yes! Ruby Sunday said yes!
RUBY: Come on in. Follow me.
DOCTOR: Oh, come on.
[Tardis]
RUBY: Right, mate, let me tell you where we're gonna go.
DOCTOR: Except...
RUBY: Oh, terms and conditions.
DOCTOR: There is one thing that I can never do, Ruby. And that's take you to that church on Ruby Road that Christmas. Absolutely never.
RUBY: But you've got a time machine.
DOCTOR: If you change one thing, a single snowflake, that could change your birth mother's story and then you would never meet me, none of this would ever happen, and we would fall into the deepest, darkest paradox. Ruby, trust me. I think that snow was a warning. I can't. And I won't.
RUBY: Well, that's a pity. 'Cos I disagree. And if you let me finish... we are going to go see my mum. At Christmas. Right now. Come on.
[Ruby's home]
CARLA: (on phone) And Ruby phoned, she said, "I love you," and ran off! No word from her since. What sort of Christmas is this? It all started with this man. He called himself the Doctor. Hold on. What's that noise?
(The Tardis materialises, making a hole in the kitchen ceiling. Not normal Tardis behaviour, that.)
CHERRY: What the blinking flip?
(Tardis door opens.)
RUBY: Hiya, Mummy.
CARLA: But... what are you doing? And what the hell is that? What's it done to my kitchen?
[Tardis]
RUBY [OC]: Hey! Come and say hello!
DOCTOR: Yes. Coming. Tell your mum not to slap me. (He sonicks up a quick DNA scan of Ruby Sunday.) Yes, now, the people from my world, they use titles like the Bishop, the Pedant, the Sagi-shi. My name was...
(He doesn't wait for the results of the scan)
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