The Five(ish) Doctors Reboot
(SEAN PERTWEE and OLIVIA COLMAN are sitting in garden chairs, preparing for filming)
SEAN: Got anything nice coming up?
OLIVIA: Oh, y'know, so-so. Just erm, a couple of nice projects with Nick Frost. David Nicholls' next thing. And Broadchurch too, of course. You?
SEAN: Yeah, not, not bad, actually. I'm off to Prague first thing in the morning, and I'm going to do a series Stateside, but I can't really talk about that right now, y'know.
OLIVIA: Nice.
(pause)
OLIVIA: What about the Five Doctors Reboot thing?
SEAN: No, couldn't get a look in.
OLIVIA: No, nor could I.
(Pause)
OLIVIA: I'm usually in everything.
(CHRISTMAS DAY 2012)
(Peter Davison's house. He and his sons Joel and Louis - one of whom is behind the sofa - are watching The Snowmen. PETER switches the TV off as the end credits roll.)
CHILD 1: So, Doctor Who's been going on for fifty years now?
PETER: That's right.
CHILD 2: Is there going to be an anniversary special next year, Dad?
PETER: Oh, I'm sure there will be.
CHILD 1: Yeah, but will you be in it?
PETER: I dunno. I'm sure they'll have more than one Doctor.
CHILD 2: So - it could just be like, Matt Smith and David Tennant?
PETER: Well... I suppose it could be....
BOTH BOYS: Great! Yeah! (Jump up and run out. Peter looks nonplussed.)
(OPENING TITLES, DOCTOR WHO THEME. PETER DAVISON. SYLVESTER MCCOY. COLIN BAKER. PAUL MCGANN. THE FIVE(ISH) DOCTORS REBOOT. WRITTEN AND DIRECTED BY PETER DAVISON)
(BBC Television Centre)
(Dream sequence)
MATT SMITH: Peter! Peter, really, this is such a great honour. Thank you for coming, thank you so much!
JENNA COLEMAN: You were always my mother's favourite. (Camera moves on, then back again) You were always my favourite.
STEVEN MOFFAT: I have dedicated the 50th anniversary script to you.
(Close up on script: "Doctor Who 50th Anniversary Special. For Peter Davison, my Doctor.")
MAKE-UP LADIES (3rd assistant director Heddi-Joy Taylor-Welch, assistant director Louisa Cavel, costume person Lauren Kilcar):
- Please sit down, Mr Davison.
- You haven't changed a bit.
- You're so wonderful.
- Bless you!
COSTUME GUY (assistant director James DeHaviland): I'll just put your costume in your Winnebago, Mr Davison.
JANET FIELDING: You're dreaming, Pete. They're not gonna call you. They're not gonna call any of you. They don't want you, Pete!
(Off screen) Get up and walk the dog, Pete!
(He wakes up in bed)
(Off screen voice) GET UP AND WALK THE DOG!
(He reluctantly gets up)
(PETER on the phone, being dragged down the street by his dog)
PETER: No no, you don't understand, you're my agent! I'm just calling to see if they've rung about the 50th anniversary special!
(FEBRUARY 2013. SYLVESTER MCCOY at airport, pushing a luggage trolley. He is wearing a Hobbit t-shirt and checking his phone.)
PHONE: You have no new messages.
(SYLVESTER looks disappointed.)
(COLIN BAKER is sitting at his kitchen table, reading a Sixth Doctor magazine supplement, looking at the silent phone)
(PETER DAVISON at his own kitchen table, his silent phones in front of him, waiting in increasing frustration)
(SYLVESTER MCCOY sitting on sofa with his silent phone)
(MARCH 2013. PETER DAVISON is driving his car)
RADIO: That was John Barrowman there with I Am What I Am, lovely stuff. Now talking of John Barrowman, it's the 50th anniversary of Doctor Who. And it's been announced today that there'll be a special on television for the 50th anniversary. Do you think they'll bring back all the old Doctors, like they used to do ? I hope they will. Er, who was your favourite Doctor. Mine was.... probably Peter Cushing. Controversial decision but -
(PETER dials a number on his phone)
(His daughter, GEORGIA MOFFETT, is sitting in the garden as her phone rings. She is heavily pregnant. She looks at the phone and pulls a face.)
PETER'S PHONE: .... is not available. Please leave a message
(GEORGIA digs into a tub of ice cream with a huge stick of celery) Mmmm.
(PETER arriving at a hotel)
PETER: Hello, I'm just, er, checking in.
RECEPTIONIST (CHIDO NYASHANU): Hello, sir. May I take your name, please?
PETER (taking off his sunglasses): It's Peter Davison.
RECEPTIONIST: Peter Davidson. (checks computer)
PETER: Do I have any messages?
RECEPTIONIST: No.
(PETER looks disgruntled)
(PETER signing autographs. A girl in a Tom Baker t-shirt - OLIVIA DARNLEY - approaches)
OLIVIA: It's for Kourtney. With a K.
(Peter signs photograph of himself as the Fifth Doctor)
OLIVIA: Mr Davison - are you going to be featured in the 50th anniversary sp....
PETER: Next!
(BBC. woman - it's actually NIKY WARDLEY who plays Tamsin Drew in the audios) surrounded by model Daleks, answering phone)
NIKY: Doctor Who production office.
PETER (still at convention): Yes, hi. My name is Peter Davison, I was, er, Doctor number five, actually, in the classic era, way back in the day. Still alive and kicking though, you know. (He passes an Ood.)
NIKY (looks bored)
PETER: Anyway, I just wanted to make sure that you have my mobile number, just in case... Steven, or.... anybody wanted to get in touch. 50th anniversary special, and all that.
NIKY (wearily): Didn't you call yesterday?
PETER: Well - yes, I - I may have called yesterday...
NIKY: No, you did. Call yesterday. And the day before that. You wanted to make sure I had the right number for you. 50th anniversary special, and all that?
PETER: Look, I don't suppose Steven's there, is he?
NIKY: Please hold.
STEVEN MOFFAT: Yes?
NIKY: I've got another one on the phone.
STEVEN: Which one?
NIKY: Number five, I think?
STEVEN: Tell him I'm in a meeting and put him through to voicemail.
(Returns to playing with his Tenth and Eleventh Doctor action figures and TARDIS)
Now then. Where were we?
NIKY (picking up phone) Yes, Steven?
STEVEN: And make sure we are not disturbed for the rest of the day.
NIKY (baffled): We?
(STEVEN MOFFAT in car, listening to his voicemails)
PETER: ... and then I could turn up with my celery antidote, and save Matt! And then it would....
(STEVEN presses button. Message deleted.)
(COLIN BAKER is reading The Hobbit, next to the phone.)
MARION (Colin's wife): Since all you've done for the last four weeks is stare at that telephone, do you think there's a chance you might come and help me down in the garden?
COLIN: Which part of the garden?
MARION: Right down the bottom.
COLIN: Well, the thing is, you don't get much of a signal down at the bottom!
MARION: But surely, if somebody rings, they'll leave a message!
COLIN: All right. I'll be there in a minute. (MARION goes out)
(SYLVESTER MCCOY at airport, on phone, still wearing his Hobbit t-shirt)
SYLVESTER: I just wanted to let Steven know that although I'm filming The Hobbit at the moment - it's a big blockbuster movie directed by Oscar-winning Peter Jackson - erm, I think I will be available to film the 50th anniversary.... oh. Oh, right. And leave a voicemail. Oh. All right then. Yeah. Hi, Steven? It's Sylvester here. I'm filming The Hobbit at the moment, with Peter Jackson...
(COLIN, in garden, on phone)
COLIN: This is Colin Baker speaking. The sixth Doctor Who? Could you put me through to.... what do you mean, "oh no, not another one"?
(MARION is gardening furiously)
(STEVEN MOFFAT in car on phone, listening to his messages)
SYLVESTER: ... meets the Hobbit, and I could be in it twice!...
(Message deleted. Next new message.)
COLIN: Steven! Er, Colin here! How about this? The TARDIS materialises in the jungle! Exactly where I'm filming I'm a Celebri....
(Steven presses button)
PHONE: Doctors deleted. You have no more messages.
(PETER DAVISON's house. His boys are playing Doctor Who game)
PETER (sighing): Boys. Can I talk to you for a moment? I'm afraid I have some very bad news. It seems there's a very real possibility that - I won't be in the 50th anniversary special. I know it's a mistake, but... (looks gutted) somehow I...
(Boys are not listening)
PETER: Right. OK. (Gets up and leaves)
(STEVEN MOFFAT is asleep on the sofa)
(Images of past companions appear)
KATY MANNING, LOUISE JAMESON, CAROLE ANN FORD, DEBORAH WATLING, SOPHIE ALDRED, SARAH SUTTON, LALLA WARD, K-9, ANNEKE WILLS, LISA BOWERMAN and MATTHEW WATERHOUSE.
Companions: Steven. Steven. Steven. Steven! Steven! It's me! It's Ace! (babble of voices) Steven! Steven!
MATTHEW: It's me, isn't it? (explodes) Now I'll never know if I was right!
(STEVEN wakes up, shocked)
(Doctor Who convention. Hospitality suite. PAUL MCGANN is reading a script)
SYLVESTER: What do you think he's doing?
COLIN: Reading a script. Well, he's always reading scripts. And filming. Always filming.
SYLVESTER: It's probably for TV. I mean, who wants to do TV? It's not like it's a motion picture.
COLIN: Oh, shut up.
(PAUL's phone rings.)
COLIN: Look. This'll be his agent, I guarantee it.
(PETER comes in)
PETER: OK, I've had a call from my contact, I know the filming dates and I've got a plan.
COLIN: Your contact? Who is this contact?
PETER: Oh, I've picked up a lot of contacts over the years.
SYLVESTER: Oh, I've picked up quite a few contacts while filming The Hobbit.
(COLIN looks at him in disgust)
PETER: Anyway, my contact...
COLIN: This contact wouldn't have a Scottish accent and be married to your daughter, would he?
PETER: Ah, you see, I can't reveal that.
PAUL (on phone): Well, that's perfect, because it fits in with the other one. Yeah, excellent, excellent. Listen, by the way, er - not that I care at all, but, you haven't heard from the BBC about that Doctor Who special, have you? Nothing at all. No no no, it's OK. No, no, that's fine. Well, I'll speak to you soon. Yeah. Bye bye.
PAUL: Damn.
SYLVESTER: Do you think we should call Tom?
COLIN: Call Tom?!
PETER: Why?
SYLVESTER: Well, he might want to join the team.
COLIN: Tom??!!
PETER: Well, you call him then.
SYLVESTER: Oh no, I don't think I should call him.
PETER: Well, it's your brilliant idea!
COLIN: Oh, for heaven's sake. I've eaten possum's anus on live television. Can't be worse than that. I'll call him.
(A younger TOM BAKER as the Fourth Doctor is punting down the river with Romana in a scene from Shada, as the phone rings. Tom is sucked up into the time vortex.)
TOM (it's actually Jon Culshaw): Greetings, greetings, greetings. Well, I seem to be stuck in the sodding time vortex. Again. So I can't assist you. Just one of the many regrets of my life. Goodbye, my dears!
PAUL MCGANN: Whatever it is you're planning, I'm in. Work permitting, obviously.
SYLVESTER: Well, I'd like to get more involved, but tomorrow I'm flying to New Zealand. More filming on The Hobbit.
COLIN (sarcastically): Oh, are you in The Hobbit?! I'd no idea!
PETER: Well, when are you back?
SYLVESTER: Oh, I don't know, sometimes I sit days and days in my trailer.
PETER: Oh, get your priorities right, Sylvester, this is not some flash in the pan five million dollar picture! This is important! (Walks off, JEMMA CHURCHILL in a full Bavarian outfit scuttles after him.)
COLIN: I'd better be off home. I'm expecting a special delivery!
(COLIN arrives home)
MARION: The package!
DAUGHTERS: Did you hide it?
No, I didn't think.
Maybe he won't notice it!
He'll notice it.
COLIN: Ohhhh yes!
DAUGHTER: Told you.
COLIN: Ta-da! (Holds up copy of Vengeance on Varos DVD) One of my best. You will love it! Many say it's a classic!
(inserts into DVD player)
COLIN: Bought, of course, to replace the one that strangely went missing. Great news, though! This one has extra features! Even more of me!
(He sits down. They've all vanished.)
COLIN: You're wasting your time. (Family desperately trying to get out.) I've locked all the doors!
("THE HOBBIT" PRODUCTION UNIT, NEW ZEALAND. SYLVESTER is in his trailer)
SYLVESTER (on phone): I warned you this might happen. He likes to keep us hanging around in case he has a moment's inspiration. He probably won't. Yes, all right. I will. Well, good luck then. Bye!
(Ends call. Thinks. Looks at watch.)
SYLVESTER: Oh, to hell with it. Let's live dangerously.
(Starts writing note.)
(Plane taking off)
PETER (on phone): Colin, we're on. Thursday morning. You know where.
(Plane landing)
(PETER is picketing, on his own, wearing a Fifth Doctor t-shirt, outside Television Centre. He has a placard reading "NO 'CLASSICS'? NO 50TH!!")
(COLIN and SYLVESTER are sitting on a bench with cups of tea, watching him)
COLIN: Sugar?
SYLVESTER: Ah! Decisions. Will it make a difference?
COLIN: What?
SYLVESTER: Every great decision creates ripples.
COLIN: In your tea?
SYLVESTER: Like a big boulder dropping into a lake.
COLIN: Oh Sylvester, if you don't stop quoting yourself I'll put you back on the plane myself.
SYLVESTER: I got it a bit wrong, actually.
COLIN: Oh, what's the use of a good quote if you can't change it. You all right?
SYLVESTER: Oh, I dunno. I have this sinking feeling.
(NEW ZEALAND again. Assistant director BRUNO DUBOIS knocks on Sylvester's trailer door)
BRUNO: Sylvester? (Goes in) They're ready for you on set. (Looks round) Sylvester? (Finds note)
(LONDON, back at the picket. PETER still standing on his own.)
SYLVESTER: Do you think we should join him?
COLIN: No, leave him to it.
SYLVESTER: What's happened to Paul?
COLIN: Filming commitments.
SYLVESTER: Typical. TV? (disdainful look)
COLIN: Don't start.
(NEW ZEALAND, on the set of "The Hobbit". PETER JACKSON is told of Sylvester's absence. Looks cross.)
(LONDON. SYLVESTER's phone rings. He looks at the screen. It's Peter Jackson.)
SYLVESTER: Ohhhh dear.
(NEW ZEALAND. PETER JACKSON is dashing about looking worried. IAN MCKELLEN as Gandalf is seated on steps)
PETER JACKSON: Ian. There's a problem with Sylvester.
IAN MCKELLEN: Sylvester.... who?
PETER JACKSON: McCoy. (McKellen looks baffled.) Er - little bloke. Bird poo. He's just gone, his trailer is empty, he's left a note - some garbled nonsense about Doctor Who. The same old stuff, it's like - he's just - he's gone. Er, is there any chance, Sir Ian, that you'd be able to do the scene by yourself?
IAN MCKELLEN: Well, I'll tell you what, Peter, I think it might, ah, be a slight improvement.
(LONDON, TELEVISION CENTRE. PETER DAVISON holding up a placard - "NO CLASSICS? NO 50TH!!". JOHN BARROWMAN walks past with shopping bags.)
JOHN: Hi, Peter.
PETER: Hi, John.
(BARROWMAN returns.)
JOHN: You know they film it in Cardiff, don't you? (Laughs, walks off.)
PETER: Bugger!
(JOHN is getting into his car nearby, hears shouting. The Three Doctors are running towards him with their placards aloft.)
DOCTORS: Wait for us! Please, John!
JOHN: Dammit!
(They arrive, very out of breath.)
PETER: Any... (coughs and splutters)
COLIN: Any chance of a lift to Cardiff?
JOHN: Ah, hey guys, I can't, sorry. I'm out on the town tonight.
COLIN: Who've you got in the car with you?
(They all lean down to look in the car.)
SYLVESTER: Blimey!
PETER: I had no idea!
COLIN: Well. We'll, er, leave you to it then.
JOHN: Don't tell anyone. Please.
(They walk off.)
CHILD'S VOICE (OC): Daddy!
CHILDREN IN CAR: I'm hungry!
WOMAN IN CAR: I told you, we've got to clear out the spare room for mum's visit! So get back in the car, and let's go home. Now! (Children whining in background.)
CHILDREN (OC): Daddy, now! I'm gonna scream! AAAAAAAH!
JOHN (calling after Doctors): Hey, guys! (They turn.) Let's do it! Let's rock 'n' roll!
(All cheer.)
(JOHN driving off in car with PETER, COLIN and SYLVESTER. JOHN's “wife and kids” are left to hold up the placards - "5 Doctors 4 Justice", "No Classics? No 50th!!", "Have a heart, Classic Doctors want a part!")
(Shots of them driving down motorway accompanied by JOHN loudly singing various show tunes)
(They arrive at Roath Lock in Cardiff, he drops them off with copies of his CD and DVD)
PETER: This way.
COLIN: Hang on, isn't this the - (gives up and follows the others)
(They arrive at the Doctor Who Experience and go in)
RECEPTIONIST (actually Commercial Manager Brad Kelly): Oi!
PETER: No no, no no, we're, erm...
BRAD: That's £45, please.
(They haven't any money, offer the Barrowman stuff John gave them. He accepts with resignation and chucks the stuff in a box with lots of others.)
(The Doctors led by PETER walk through the Experience.)
COLIN: Where are we going now?
(They gaze at displays of their Doctors with their old costumes on stands.)
(PETER spots the TARDIS and leads them in delightedly.)
(All crammed into the tiny dark space inside.)
PETER: Oh.
COLIN: You really are from another planet, you know that?
PETER: This is not the real TARDIS.
COLIN: Really?
SYLVESTER: I'd like to go home now.
PETER: Plan B. (Takes out his phone.)
(GEORGIA MOFFETT is on the phone, lying on a bed)
GEORGIA: I know, I know, but Dad said if you do this one last thing then he'll stop calling us.
(DAVID TENNANT, in the brown pinstriped suit, outside a studio, on the phone)
DAVID: Yeah OK, OK, OK, OK, I'll do it. I'll do it, I'll do it. But I'd better do it now because they need me back on set in five minutes. OK. Call you later.
GEORGIA: Oh, ha...
(He's hung up)
GEORGIA: Oh. Never mind. (She's handed gas and air.)
DAVID: Something else I meant to ask her about.... (Shakes his head and walks off.)
DOCTOR: ... And push.
(GEORGIA's in hospital, giving birth, attended by "medical staff" Richard Cookson - Doctor Who script editor - and Elizabeth Morton - Peter Davison's wife.)
GEORGIA: Aaaaaaaaaaargh!
(At Roath Lock, DAVID props open an emergency exit door with a fire extinguisher. PETER and the others are hiding round a corner.)
PETER: Right. Let's go. (He has a black bag of clothes.)
SYLVESTER: Hang on. One thing. Why are we doing this?
COLIN: Why?
SYLVESTER: Well, I've travelled twelve thousand miles to get here, I'm in breach of contract, my film career's in tatters, and for what?
COLIN: He's right. What is the point? Why are we doing all this?
(PETER sighs. Stares round.)
PETER: For the fans.
COLIN: Of course! For the fans!
SYLVESTER: Right! For the fans. Let's go.
(They walk past the entrance and in through the propped-open door. They look round in confusion, go out, look round, go back in and head down the corridor - observed by two Daleks whose eyestalks swivel to follow them. Finally finding the right door they enter to find the TARDIS)
COLIN: Right. Let's do it! (They start to get changed.)
(Back at the Experience, the Fifth, Sixth and Seventh Doctor displays are missing some items of clothing...)
TY TENNANT (son of Georgia Tennant and adopted son of David): That's not right!
(Back at Roath Lock, the Doctors, wearing their old costumes - kind of - are in the TARDIS interior.)
PETER: It's a bit... busy, isn't it? I liked the old minimalist TARDIS.
SYLVESTER: I don't like all these stairs. Much too energetic. (Looks up.) And what the heck are those things? Have they turned it into a helicopter?
COLIN: And what's happened to all the lovely bright light we had in the old days? I can't be doing with this atmospheric lighting nonsense! I like to see what I'm doing! (peers at console)
PETER: Look at this, look. You lean on it, nothing happens! Doesn't wobble at all! I used to love the old wobble.
COLIN: Come on. Let's find out where they're filming.
PETER: Yeah. Right. (They follow Colin out, passing the Dalek Operators Room ("Quiet! Superior life forms at work".) and enter the studio where filming is taking place.)
DIRECTOR (actually ADAM PAUL HARVEY): Settle down, studio - and - action.
(Dalek operator BARNABY EDWARDS and writer/director NICHOLAS PEGG are in the background)
SYLVESTER (whispers): So, what now?
COLIN: Yes, how do we actually get in it?
PETER: They're quite good, aren't they? Thing is, I never really thought we'd get this far.
SYLVESTER: Oh! So... no Plan C, then?
PETER:... No.
ADAM::And cut. Moving on. Right, scene 19. Can we have three Daleks on set, please?
(The Doctors look at each other.)
VOICE: Everyone involved in Scene 19, please make their way to the studio immediately.
(Doctors hurry towards the Dalek Operators Room where three men - actually David Troughton, Nick Briggs and Frank Skinner - put down their copies of Dalek Operators Gazette upon hearing the announcement.)
NICK: Right, that's us, lads. Time to give our all.
(They get up as the door is locked from the outside and try the door.) Oi! Oi, let us out!
(Doctors scurrying away down the corridor.)
DALEK OPERATORS: Some toe-rag's locked the door!
What?
Oi! (they hammer on the door)
ADAM: I am still waiting for my three Daleks! (Three Daleks enter.) Listen to me. You cannot afford to be late. You are lucky enough to have a part in the fiftieth anniversary special of Doctor Who, right, that is something that makes you a part of the history of the show. That is something you will never forget. Do you understand?
(Daleks' eyestalks swivel to look at each other, then move up and down in a nod.)
(Dalek Operators Room - still banging and shouting "Let us out!". Then sit down and resume reading their Dalek Operators Gazettes.)
NICK: Well, it's their loss, brothers. That's the way I see it. Their loss.
ADAM: Thank you very much. Moving on to the TARDIS set - thank you Daleks, that's you done.
(Colin's voice from within Dalek) Gentlemen - I think we've done it.
(Sylvester's voice) We certainly have!
(Peter's voice) Brilliant!
(All laugh)
So - how do we get out? Oh. Eh? Er - hello?
(Security guard - script editor DEREK RITCHIE) finds door which has been propped open with fire extinguisher)
GUARD: Team! I think we have intruders!
(Back on set, voices OC) Hello? Help!
(Security guards - Marcus Elliot and film editor Michael Houghton - walk down corridor as Sontaran DAN STARKEY in a dressing gown emerges nearby)
CHRISTIAN: Hello? (All Daleks turn to look at him to his alarm)
(The Doctors, now de-Daleked, head down the corridor).
It says here the Dalek operators are also playing Zygons.
COLIN: No no, it's a mistake. Our work here is done.
SYLVESTER: Zygons? What on earth are Zygons?
CHRISTIAN: Well, I'm sure we booked you for the whole day.
PETER: Sorry. Must dash!
GUARD: Three of them. Dressed in stupid clothes. Illegal aliens, I shouldn't wonder.
(Doctors emerge into the corridor looking very pleased with themselves. Security guards come out of a door in front of them - looking for the intruders, but don't see them)
GUARD: No, no sign of them.
(Shots of guard looking for the intruders while Barrowman sings on the radio in the background...)
(Thinks he's found them but it's producer Des Hughes, production co-ordinator Gabriella Ricci and production secretary Sandra Cosfeld)
GUARD: Des. Come in, Des.
(Doctors scuttle towards exit door)
GUARD: Oi! Can I have a word with you.
Radio: Des? Any sign of them your end?
GUARD: Hang on, Doug. I'm in the middle of something here.
SYLVESTER: So, is that Rosie with an IE or a Y?
GUARD: IE. (All Doctors signing autographs)
COLIN: Funny name for a fella. (All laugh)
PETER: Any chance of you, er, unlocking the gates?
GUARD: Er, no. I can get Doug down though, if you really want...
PETER: No no no, don't bother, we'll cut through the studio.
SYLVESTER: Yes, it'll be easier...
(Thank yous all round.)
(Back on set, Doctors enter)
ADAM: Right everyone, this is the under-gallery scene....
DOUG: Any sign of them?
DES: No, not yet. I did meet three awesome blokes, though. (laughs)
DOUG: ...THREE?!
DES: Ohhhh.... (They hurry off and enter the studio where the Doctors went)
ADAM: Right, can I get everyone on the floor, please, we're gonna do a little rehearsal... (to the security guards) Sorry, guys - unless you've got fiftieth anniversary clearance, you'll have to get off the set, please. (They leave) Right everyone, this is the Under-gallery scene.
(Bus stop. COLIN is pouring champagne into paper cups.)
ALL: Cheers!
COLIN: Exterminate!
PETER (leaning into camera): You can stop now. I think we've got everything.
(VOICE OC) Cut. You have to say "cut".
PETER: Sorry. And - cut!
(Shaking hands with crew)
SYLVESTER: What's that one doing over there, hm?
COLIN: Oh, that's the "Making Of" documentary.
PETER: Ahhh.
(Shot of disembodied hand dialling a number)
SYLVESTER: I'm all at sixes and sevens.
(PETER reaches into his pocket as his phone rings)
PETER (looking at phone): Oh, I was expecting this one. (Rejects call and puts phone back in his pocket.)
PETER's VOICE ON PHONE: .... I'm not here right now, please leave a message.
RUSSELL T DAVIES: Hi, Peter? hello. It's Russell T here. Russell The Davies! ha, funny! Erm, I just thought I'd phone you because I heard you were doing this video? for the fiftieth anniversary? and I thought - well, I thought I could be in it!
(Doctors happily getting on coach)
RUSSELL:... because let's face it, there wouldn't actually be a fiftieth anniversary without me, without Russell T.
(Doctors heading down coach)
RUSSELL: I had these ideas, I thought I could appear at the end? I could like, sort of, I could save you all. You could all be trapped and I could save you, or, you could all die, and I could just be left there....
(Coach departing)
RUSSELL: I become the Doctor, a Time Lord, and - I could have a catchphrase? I could have a great catchphrase, like, my catchphrase could be "Quel dommage!". Like, "Quel dommage, Davros!". Like, and I could, like, and instead of like having a sonic screwdriver I could have and... (fades)
(COLIN and SYLVESTER are sleeping at the back of the coach. PETER is on his phone)
PHONE: The next message is 27 minutes long... (RUSSELL'S voice) Hello, Peter? Hi, Russell T here... Russell The Davies, ha, funny, erm.... I just thought I'd phone you -
("Message deleted. You have no more messages.")
(TWO WEEKS LATER. Steven Moffat and (Big Finish actor) CHRISTIAN BRASSINGTON are looking at the filmed scenes.)
CHRISTIAN: Happy?
STEVEN: Very happy.
CHRISTIAN: Great. Up next is scene 19, the Daleks attack.
STEVEN: Scene 19. 19. Right.... Three Daleks.
CHRISTIAN: Shall we - start?
STEVEN: Just wondering if we need it?
CHRISTIAN: Works just as well without it.
STEVEN: And they are Daleks...
CHRISTIAN: We're overrunning by ten minutes.
STEVEN: Are we? Great, let's cut it then.
(Dalek scene is deleted)
CREDITS
CAST IN ORDER OF APPEARANCE
SEAN PERTWEE
OLIVIA COLMAN
PETER DAVISON
LOUIS DAVISON
JOEL DAVISON
JENNA COLEMAN
MATT SMITH
STEVEN MOFFAT
HEDDI-JOY TAYLOR-WELCH
LOUISA CAVEL
LAUREN KILCAR
JAMES DEHAVILAND
JANET FIELDING
SYLVESTER MCCOY
COLIN BAKER
RHYS THOMAS
GEORGIA MOFFETT
OLIVIA DARNLEY
NIKY WARDLEY
MARION BAKER
KATY MANNING
LOUISE JAMESON
CAROLE ANN FORD
DEBORAH WATLING
SOPHIE ALDRED
SARAH SUTTON
LALLA WARD
JOHN LEESON
ANNEKE WILLS
LISA BOWERMAN
MATTHEW WATERHOUSE
PAUL MCGANN
JON CULSHAW
JEMMA CHURCHILL
LUCY BAKER
BINDY BAKER
LALLY BAKER
ROSIE BAKER
BRUNO DUBOIS
PETER JACKSON
IAN MCKELLEN
JOHN BARROWMAN
ALICE KNIGHT
SARAH CHURM
NICK JORDAN
BRAD KELLY
DAVID TENNANT
RICHARD COOKSON
ELIZABETH MORTON
MARCUS ELLIOTT
TY TENNANT
BARNABY EDWARDS
NICHOLAS PEGG
DAVID TROUGHTON
NICHOLAS BRIGGS
FRANK SKINNER
ADAM PAUL HARVEY
DEREK RITCHIE
MICHAEL HOUGHTON
DAN STARKEY
RUSSELL T DAVIES
DES HUGHES
GABRIELLA RICCI
SANDRA COSFELD
CHRISTIAN BRASSINGTON
CHRISTIAN: OK so, up next is the Under-gallery scene.
STEVEN: That scene's definitely in, but I think we're gonna have to look at all the footage
CHRISTIAN: All the footage right from the top, OK.
(STEVEN's phone rings) Better take this
(Footage)
(ADAM's voice) Oh Zygons, right. Er, OK, you should be in costume. But it doesn't matter for this shot. Can you get shrouds for the Zygons please?
(Doctors are given sheets)
And if you guys can just - quick as you can yeah? - Get the hat off!
STEVEN: How's it looking?
CHRISTIAN: Perfect. Couldn't be better. So - here's take 1.
(The Undergallery scene begins, with the shrouded "statues" in shot.....)
... and credits.
SEAN: Got anything nice coming up?
OLIVIA: Oh, y'know, so-so. Just erm, a couple of nice projects with Nick Frost. David Nicholls' next thing. And Broadchurch too, of course. You?
SEAN: Yeah, not, not bad, actually. I'm off to Prague first thing in the morning, and I'm going to do a series Stateside, but I can't really talk about that right now, y'know.
OLIVIA: Nice.
(pause)
OLIVIA: What about the Five Doctors Reboot thing?
SEAN: No, couldn't get a look in.
OLIVIA: No, nor could I.
(Pause)
OLIVIA: I'm usually in everything.
(CHRISTMAS DAY 2012)
(Peter Davison's house. He and his sons Joel and Louis - one of whom is behind the sofa - are watching The Snowmen. PETER switches the TV off as the end credits roll.)
CHILD 1: So, Doctor Who's been going on for fifty years now?
PETER: That's right.
CHILD 2: Is there going to be an anniversary special next year, Dad?
PETER: Oh, I'm sure there will be.
CHILD 1: Yeah, but will you be in it?
PETER: I dunno. I'm sure they'll have more than one Doctor.
CHILD 2: So - it could just be like, Matt Smith and David Tennant?
PETER: Well... I suppose it could be....
BOTH BOYS: Great! Yeah! (Jump up and run out. Peter looks nonplussed.)
(OPENING TITLES, DOCTOR WHO THEME. PETER DAVISON. SYLVESTER MCCOY. COLIN BAKER. PAUL MCGANN. THE FIVE(ISH) DOCTORS REBOOT. WRITTEN AND DIRECTED BY PETER DAVISON)
(BBC Television Centre)
(Dream sequence)
MATT SMITH: Peter! Peter, really, this is such a great honour. Thank you for coming, thank you so much!
JENNA COLEMAN: You were always my mother's favourite. (Camera moves on, then back again) You were always my favourite.
STEVEN MOFFAT: I have dedicated the 50th anniversary script to you.
(Close up on script: "Doctor Who 50th Anniversary Special. For Peter Davison, my Doctor.")
MAKE-UP LADIES (3rd assistant director Heddi-Joy Taylor-Welch, assistant director Louisa Cavel, costume person Lauren Kilcar):
- Please sit down, Mr Davison.
- You haven't changed a bit.
- You're so wonderful.
- Bless you!
COSTUME GUY (assistant director James DeHaviland): I'll just put your costume in your Winnebago, Mr Davison.
JANET FIELDING: You're dreaming, Pete. They're not gonna call you. They're not gonna call any of you. They don't want you, Pete!
(Off screen) Get up and walk the dog, Pete!
(He wakes up in bed)
(Off screen voice) GET UP AND WALK THE DOG!
(He reluctantly gets up)
(PETER on the phone, being dragged down the street by his dog)
PETER: No no, you don't understand, you're my agent! I'm just calling to see if they've rung about the 50th anniversary special!
(FEBRUARY 2013. SYLVESTER MCCOY at airport, pushing a luggage trolley. He is wearing a Hobbit t-shirt and checking his phone.)
PHONE: You have no new messages.
(SYLVESTER looks disappointed.)
(COLIN BAKER is sitting at his kitchen table, reading a Sixth Doctor magazine supplement, looking at the silent phone)
(PETER DAVISON at his own kitchen table, his silent phones in front of him, waiting in increasing frustration)
(SYLVESTER MCCOY sitting on sofa with his silent phone)
(MARCH 2013. PETER DAVISON is driving his car)
RADIO: That was John Barrowman there with I Am What I Am, lovely stuff. Now talking of John Barrowman, it's the 50th anniversary of Doctor Who. And it's been announced today that there'll be a special on television for the 50th anniversary. Do you think they'll bring back all the old Doctors, like they used to do ? I hope they will. Er, who was your favourite Doctor. Mine was.... probably Peter Cushing. Controversial decision but -
(PETER dials a number on his phone)
(His daughter, GEORGIA MOFFETT, is sitting in the garden as her phone rings. She is heavily pregnant. She looks at the phone and pulls a face.)
PETER'S PHONE: .... is not available. Please leave a message
(GEORGIA digs into a tub of ice cream with a huge stick of celery) Mmmm.
(PETER arriving at a hotel)
PETER: Hello, I'm just, er, checking in.
RECEPTIONIST (CHIDO NYASHANU): Hello, sir. May I take your name, please?
PETER (taking off his sunglasses): It's Peter Davison.
RECEPTIONIST: Peter Davidson. (checks computer)
PETER: Do I have any messages?
RECEPTIONIST: No.
(PETER looks disgruntled)
(PETER signing autographs. A girl in a Tom Baker t-shirt - OLIVIA DARNLEY - approaches)
OLIVIA: It's for Kourtney. With a K.
(Peter signs photograph of himself as the Fifth Doctor)
OLIVIA: Mr Davison - are you going to be featured in the 50th anniversary sp....
PETER: Next!
(BBC. woman - it's actually NIKY WARDLEY who plays Tamsin Drew in the audios) surrounded by model Daleks, answering phone)
NIKY: Doctor Who production office.
PETER (still at convention): Yes, hi. My name is Peter Davison, I was, er, Doctor number five, actually, in the classic era, way back in the day. Still alive and kicking though, you know. (He passes an Ood.)
NIKY (looks bored)
PETER: Anyway, I just wanted to make sure that you have my mobile number, just in case... Steven, or.... anybody wanted to get in touch. 50th anniversary special, and all that.
NIKY (wearily): Didn't you call yesterday?
PETER: Well - yes, I - I may have called yesterday...
NIKY: No, you did. Call yesterday. And the day before that. You wanted to make sure I had the right number for you. 50th anniversary special, and all that?
PETER: Look, I don't suppose Steven's there, is he?
NIKY: Please hold.
STEVEN MOFFAT: Yes?
NIKY: I've got another one on the phone.
STEVEN: Which one?
NIKY: Number five, I think?
STEVEN: Tell him I'm in a meeting and put him through to voicemail.
(Returns to playing with his Tenth and Eleventh Doctor action figures and TARDIS)
Now then. Where were we?
NIKY (picking up phone) Yes, Steven?
STEVEN: And make sure we are not disturbed for the rest of the day.
NIKY (baffled): We?
(STEVEN MOFFAT in car, listening to his voicemails)
PETER: ... and then I could turn up with my celery antidote, and save Matt! And then it would....
(STEVEN presses button. Message deleted.)
(COLIN BAKER is reading The Hobbit, next to the phone.)
MARION (Colin's wife): Since all you've done for the last four weeks is stare at that telephone, do you think there's a chance you might come and help me down in the garden?
COLIN: Which part of the garden?
MARION: Right down the bottom.
COLIN: Well, the thing is, you don't get much of a signal down at the bottom!
MARION: But surely, if somebody rings, they'll leave a message!
COLIN: All right. I'll be there in a minute. (MARION goes out)
(SYLVESTER MCCOY at airport, on phone, still wearing his Hobbit t-shirt)
SYLVESTER: I just wanted to let Steven know that although I'm filming The Hobbit at the moment - it's a big blockbuster movie directed by Oscar-winning Peter Jackson - erm, I think I will be available to film the 50th anniversary.... oh. Oh, right. And leave a voicemail. Oh. All right then. Yeah. Hi, Steven? It's Sylvester here. I'm filming The Hobbit at the moment, with Peter Jackson...
(COLIN, in garden, on phone)
COLIN: This is Colin Baker speaking. The sixth Doctor Who? Could you put me through to.... what do you mean, "oh no, not another one"?
(MARION is gardening furiously)
(STEVEN MOFFAT in car on phone, listening to his messages)
SYLVESTER: ... meets the Hobbit, and I could be in it twice!...
(Message deleted. Next new message.)
COLIN: Steven! Er, Colin here! How about this? The TARDIS materialises in the jungle! Exactly where I'm filming I'm a Celebri....
(Steven presses button)
PHONE: Doctors deleted. You have no more messages.
(PETER DAVISON's house. His boys are playing Doctor Who game)
PETER (sighing): Boys. Can I talk to you for a moment? I'm afraid I have some very bad news. It seems there's a very real possibility that - I won't be in the 50th anniversary special. I know it's a mistake, but... (looks gutted) somehow I...
(Boys are not listening)
PETER: Right. OK. (Gets up and leaves)
(STEVEN MOFFAT is asleep on the sofa)
(Images of past companions appear)
KATY MANNING, LOUISE JAMESON, CAROLE ANN FORD, DEBORAH WATLING, SOPHIE ALDRED, SARAH SUTTON, LALLA WARD, K-9, ANNEKE WILLS, LISA BOWERMAN and MATTHEW WATERHOUSE.
Companions: Steven. Steven. Steven. Steven! Steven! It's me! It's Ace! (babble of voices) Steven! Steven!
MATTHEW: It's me, isn't it? (explodes) Now I'll never know if I was right!
(STEVEN wakes up, shocked)
(Doctor Who convention. Hospitality suite. PAUL MCGANN is reading a script)
SYLVESTER: What do you think he's doing?
COLIN: Reading a script. Well, he's always reading scripts. And filming. Always filming.
SYLVESTER: It's probably for TV. I mean, who wants to do TV? It's not like it's a motion picture.
COLIN: Oh, shut up.
(PAUL's phone rings.)
COLIN: Look. This'll be his agent, I guarantee it.
(PETER comes in)
PETER: OK, I've had a call from my contact, I know the filming dates and I've got a plan.
COLIN: Your contact? Who is this contact?
PETER: Oh, I've picked up a lot of contacts over the years.
SYLVESTER: Oh, I've picked up quite a few contacts while filming The Hobbit.
(COLIN looks at him in disgust)
PETER: Anyway, my contact...
COLIN: This contact wouldn't have a Scottish accent and be married to your daughter, would he?
PETER: Ah, you see, I can't reveal that.
PAUL (on phone): Well, that's perfect, because it fits in with the other one. Yeah, excellent, excellent. Listen, by the way, er - not that I care at all, but, you haven't heard from the BBC about that Doctor Who special, have you? Nothing at all. No no no, it's OK. No, no, that's fine. Well, I'll speak to you soon. Yeah. Bye bye.
PAUL: Damn.
SYLVESTER: Do you think we should call Tom?
COLIN: Call Tom?!
PETER: Why?
SYLVESTER: Well, he might want to join the team.
COLIN: Tom??!!
PETER: Well, you call him then.
SYLVESTER: Oh no, I don't think I should call him.
PETER: Well, it's your brilliant idea!
COLIN: Oh, for heaven's sake. I've eaten possum's anus on live television. Can't be worse than that. I'll call him.
(A younger TOM BAKER as the Fourth Doctor is punting down the river with Romana in a scene from Shada, as the phone rings. Tom is sucked up into the time vortex.)
TOM (it's actually Jon Culshaw): Greetings, greetings, greetings. Well, I seem to be stuck in the sodding time vortex. Again. So I can't assist you. Just one of the many regrets of my life. Goodbye, my dears!
PAUL MCGANN: Whatever it is you're planning, I'm in. Work permitting, obviously.
SYLVESTER: Well, I'd like to get more involved, but tomorrow I'm flying to New Zealand. More filming on The Hobbit.
COLIN (sarcastically): Oh, are you in The Hobbit?! I'd no idea!
PETER: Well, when are you back?
SYLVESTER: Oh, I don't know, sometimes I sit days and days in my trailer.
PETER: Oh, get your priorities right, Sylvester, this is not some flash in the pan five million dollar picture! This is important! (Walks off, JEMMA CHURCHILL in a full Bavarian outfit scuttles after him.)
COLIN: I'd better be off home. I'm expecting a special delivery!
(COLIN arrives home)
MARION: The package!
DAUGHTERS: Did you hide it?
No, I didn't think.
Maybe he won't notice it!
He'll notice it.
COLIN: Ohhhh yes!
DAUGHTER: Told you.
COLIN: Ta-da! (Holds up copy of Vengeance on Varos DVD) One of my best. You will love it! Many say it's a classic!
(inserts into DVD player)
COLIN: Bought, of course, to replace the one that strangely went missing. Great news, though! This one has extra features! Even more of me!
(He sits down. They've all vanished.)
COLIN: You're wasting your time. (Family desperately trying to get out.) I've locked all the doors!
("THE HOBBIT" PRODUCTION UNIT, NEW ZEALAND. SYLVESTER is in his trailer)
SYLVESTER (on phone): I warned you this might happen. He likes to keep us hanging around in case he has a moment's inspiration. He probably won't. Yes, all right. I will. Well, good luck then. Bye!
(Ends call. Thinks. Looks at watch.)
SYLVESTER: Oh, to hell with it. Let's live dangerously.
(Starts writing note.)
(Plane taking off)
PETER (on phone): Colin, we're on. Thursday morning. You know where.
(Plane landing)
(PETER is picketing, on his own, wearing a Fifth Doctor t-shirt, outside Television Centre. He has a placard reading "NO 'CLASSICS'? NO 50TH!!")
(COLIN and SYLVESTER are sitting on a bench with cups of tea, watching him)
COLIN: Sugar?
SYLVESTER: Ah! Decisions. Will it make a difference?
COLIN: What?
SYLVESTER: Every great decision creates ripples.
COLIN: In your tea?
SYLVESTER: Like a big boulder dropping into a lake.
COLIN: Oh Sylvester, if you don't stop quoting yourself I'll put you back on the plane myself.
SYLVESTER: I got it a bit wrong, actually.
COLIN: Oh, what's the use of a good quote if you can't change it. You all right?
SYLVESTER: Oh, I dunno. I have this sinking feeling.
(NEW ZEALAND again. Assistant director BRUNO DUBOIS knocks on Sylvester's trailer door)
BRUNO: Sylvester? (Goes in) They're ready for you on set. (Looks round) Sylvester? (Finds note)
(LONDON, back at the picket. PETER still standing on his own.)
SYLVESTER: Do you think we should join him?
COLIN: No, leave him to it.
SYLVESTER: What's happened to Paul?
COLIN: Filming commitments.
SYLVESTER: Typical. TV? (disdainful look)
COLIN: Don't start.
(NEW ZEALAND, on the set of "The Hobbit". PETER JACKSON is told of Sylvester's absence. Looks cross.)
(LONDON. SYLVESTER's phone rings. He looks at the screen. It's Peter Jackson.)
SYLVESTER: Ohhhh dear.
(NEW ZEALAND. PETER JACKSON is dashing about looking worried. IAN MCKELLEN as Gandalf is seated on steps)
PETER JACKSON: Ian. There's a problem with Sylvester.
IAN MCKELLEN: Sylvester.... who?
PETER JACKSON: McCoy. (McKellen looks baffled.) Er - little bloke. Bird poo. He's just gone, his trailer is empty, he's left a note - some garbled nonsense about Doctor Who. The same old stuff, it's like - he's just - he's gone. Er, is there any chance, Sir Ian, that you'd be able to do the scene by yourself?
IAN MCKELLEN: Well, I'll tell you what, Peter, I think it might, ah, be a slight improvement.
(LONDON, TELEVISION CENTRE. PETER DAVISON holding up a placard - "NO CLASSICS? NO 50TH!!". JOHN BARROWMAN walks past with shopping bags.)
JOHN: Hi, Peter.
PETER: Hi, John.
(BARROWMAN returns.)
JOHN: You know they film it in Cardiff, don't you? (Laughs, walks off.)
PETER: Bugger!
(JOHN is getting into his car nearby, hears shouting. The Three Doctors are running towards him with their placards aloft.)
DOCTORS: Wait for us! Please, John!
JOHN: Dammit!
(They arrive, very out of breath.)
PETER: Any... (coughs and splutters)
COLIN: Any chance of a lift to Cardiff?
JOHN: Ah, hey guys, I can't, sorry. I'm out on the town tonight.
COLIN: Who've you got in the car with you?
(They all lean down to look in the car.)
SYLVESTER: Blimey!
PETER: I had no idea!
COLIN: Well. We'll, er, leave you to it then.
JOHN: Don't tell anyone. Please.
(They walk off.)
CHILD'S VOICE (OC): Daddy!
CHILDREN IN CAR: I'm hungry!
WOMAN IN CAR: I told you, we've got to clear out the spare room for mum's visit! So get back in the car, and let's go home. Now! (Children whining in background.)
CHILDREN (OC): Daddy, now! I'm gonna scream! AAAAAAAH!
JOHN (calling after Doctors): Hey, guys! (They turn.) Let's do it! Let's rock 'n' roll!
(All cheer.)
(JOHN driving off in car with PETER, COLIN and SYLVESTER. JOHN's “wife and kids” are left to hold up the placards - "5 Doctors 4 Justice", "No Classics? No 50th!!", "Have a heart, Classic Doctors want a part!")
(Shots of them driving down motorway accompanied by JOHN loudly singing various show tunes)
(They arrive at Roath Lock in Cardiff, he drops them off with copies of his CD and DVD)
PETER: This way.
COLIN: Hang on, isn't this the - (gives up and follows the others)
(They arrive at the Doctor Who Experience and go in)
RECEPTIONIST (actually Commercial Manager Brad Kelly): Oi!
PETER: No no, no no, we're, erm...
BRAD: That's £45, please.
(They haven't any money, offer the Barrowman stuff John gave them. He accepts with resignation and chucks the stuff in a box with lots of others.)
(The Doctors led by PETER walk through the Experience.)
COLIN: Where are we going now?
(They gaze at displays of their Doctors with their old costumes on stands.)
(PETER spots the TARDIS and leads them in delightedly.)
(All crammed into the tiny dark space inside.)
PETER: Oh.
COLIN: You really are from another planet, you know that?
PETER: This is not the real TARDIS.
COLIN: Really?
SYLVESTER: I'd like to go home now.
PETER: Plan B. (Takes out his phone.)
(GEORGIA MOFFETT is on the phone, lying on a bed)
GEORGIA: I know, I know, but Dad said if you do this one last thing then he'll stop calling us.
(DAVID TENNANT, in the brown pinstriped suit, outside a studio, on the phone)
DAVID: Yeah OK, OK, OK, OK, I'll do it. I'll do it, I'll do it. But I'd better do it now because they need me back on set in five minutes. OK. Call you later.
GEORGIA: Oh, ha...
(He's hung up)
GEORGIA: Oh. Never mind. (She's handed gas and air.)
DAVID: Something else I meant to ask her about.... (Shakes his head and walks off.)
DOCTOR: ... And push.
(GEORGIA's in hospital, giving birth, attended by "medical staff" Richard Cookson - Doctor Who script editor - and Elizabeth Morton - Peter Davison's wife.)
GEORGIA: Aaaaaaaaaaargh!
(At Roath Lock, DAVID props open an emergency exit door with a fire extinguisher. PETER and the others are hiding round a corner.)
PETER: Right. Let's go. (He has a black bag of clothes.)
SYLVESTER: Hang on. One thing. Why are we doing this?
COLIN: Why?
SYLVESTER: Well, I've travelled twelve thousand miles to get here, I'm in breach of contract, my film career's in tatters, and for what?
COLIN: He's right. What is the point? Why are we doing all this?
(PETER sighs. Stares round.)
PETER: For the fans.
COLIN: Of course! For the fans!
SYLVESTER: Right! For the fans. Let's go.
(They walk past the entrance and in through the propped-open door. They look round in confusion, go out, look round, go back in and head down the corridor - observed by two Daleks whose eyestalks swivel to follow them. Finally finding the right door they enter to find the TARDIS)
COLIN: Right. Let's do it! (They start to get changed.)
(Back at the Experience, the Fifth, Sixth and Seventh Doctor displays are missing some items of clothing...)
TY TENNANT (son of Georgia Tennant and adopted son of David): That's not right!
(Back at Roath Lock, the Doctors, wearing their old costumes - kind of - are in the TARDIS interior.)
PETER: It's a bit... busy, isn't it? I liked the old minimalist TARDIS.
SYLVESTER: I don't like all these stairs. Much too energetic. (Looks up.) And what the heck are those things? Have they turned it into a helicopter?
COLIN: And what's happened to all the lovely bright light we had in the old days? I can't be doing with this atmospheric lighting nonsense! I like to see what I'm doing! (peers at console)
PETER: Look at this, look. You lean on it, nothing happens! Doesn't wobble at all! I used to love the old wobble.
COLIN: Come on. Let's find out where they're filming.
PETER: Yeah. Right. (They follow Colin out, passing the Dalek Operators Room ("Quiet! Superior life forms at work".) and enter the studio where filming is taking place.)
DIRECTOR (actually ADAM PAUL HARVEY): Settle down, studio - and - action.
(Dalek operator BARNABY EDWARDS and writer/director NICHOLAS PEGG are in the background)
SYLVESTER (whispers): So, what now?
COLIN: Yes, how do we actually get in it?
PETER: They're quite good, aren't they? Thing is, I never really thought we'd get this far.
SYLVESTER: Oh! So... no Plan C, then?
PETER:... No.
ADAM::And cut. Moving on. Right, scene 19. Can we have three Daleks on set, please?
(The Doctors look at each other.)
VOICE: Everyone involved in Scene 19, please make their way to the studio immediately.
(Doctors hurry towards the Dalek Operators Room where three men - actually David Troughton, Nick Briggs and Frank Skinner - put down their copies of Dalek Operators Gazette upon hearing the announcement.)
NICK: Right, that's us, lads. Time to give our all.
(They get up as the door is locked from the outside and try the door.) Oi! Oi, let us out!
(Doctors scurrying away down the corridor.)
DALEK OPERATORS: Some toe-rag's locked the door!
What?
Oi! (they hammer on the door)
ADAM: I am still waiting for my three Daleks! (Three Daleks enter.) Listen to me. You cannot afford to be late. You are lucky enough to have a part in the fiftieth anniversary special of Doctor Who, right, that is something that makes you a part of the history of the show. That is something you will never forget. Do you understand?
(Daleks' eyestalks swivel to look at each other, then move up and down in a nod.)
(Dalek Operators Room - still banging and shouting "Let us out!". Then sit down and resume reading their Dalek Operators Gazettes.)
NICK: Well, it's their loss, brothers. That's the way I see it. Their loss.
ADAM: Thank you very much. Moving on to the TARDIS set - thank you Daleks, that's you done.
(Colin's voice from within Dalek) Gentlemen - I think we've done it.
(Sylvester's voice) We certainly have!
(Peter's voice) Brilliant!
(All laugh)
So - how do we get out? Oh. Eh? Er - hello?
(Security guard - script editor DEREK RITCHIE) finds door which has been propped open with fire extinguisher)
GUARD: Team! I think we have intruders!
(Back on set, voices OC) Hello? Help!
(Security guards - Marcus Elliot and film editor Michael Houghton - walk down corridor as Sontaran DAN STARKEY in a dressing gown emerges nearby)
CHRISTIAN: Hello? (All Daleks turn to look at him to his alarm)
(The Doctors, now de-Daleked, head down the corridor).
It says here the Dalek operators are also playing Zygons.
COLIN: No no, it's a mistake. Our work here is done.
SYLVESTER: Zygons? What on earth are Zygons?
CHRISTIAN: Well, I'm sure we booked you for the whole day.
PETER: Sorry. Must dash!
GUARD: Three of them. Dressed in stupid clothes. Illegal aliens, I shouldn't wonder.
(Doctors emerge into the corridor looking very pleased with themselves. Security guards come out of a door in front of them - looking for the intruders, but don't see them)
GUARD: No, no sign of them.
(Shots of guard looking for the intruders while Barrowman sings on the radio in the background...)
(Thinks he's found them but it's producer Des Hughes, production co-ordinator Gabriella Ricci and production secretary Sandra Cosfeld)
GUARD: Des. Come in, Des.
(Doctors scuttle towards exit door)
GUARD: Oi! Can I have a word with you.
Radio: Des? Any sign of them your end?
GUARD: Hang on, Doug. I'm in the middle of something here.
SYLVESTER: So, is that Rosie with an IE or a Y?
GUARD: IE. (All Doctors signing autographs)
COLIN: Funny name for a fella. (All laugh)
PETER: Any chance of you, er, unlocking the gates?
GUARD: Er, no. I can get Doug down though, if you really want...
PETER: No no no, don't bother, we'll cut through the studio.
SYLVESTER: Yes, it'll be easier...
(Thank yous all round.)
(Back on set, Doctors enter)
ADAM: Right everyone, this is the under-gallery scene....
DOUG: Any sign of them?
DES: No, not yet. I did meet three awesome blokes, though. (laughs)
DOUG: ...THREE?!
DES: Ohhhh.... (They hurry off and enter the studio where the Doctors went)
ADAM: Right, can I get everyone on the floor, please, we're gonna do a little rehearsal... (to the security guards) Sorry, guys - unless you've got fiftieth anniversary clearance, you'll have to get off the set, please. (They leave) Right everyone, this is the Under-gallery scene.
(Bus stop. COLIN is pouring champagne into paper cups.)
ALL: Cheers!
COLIN: Exterminate!
PETER (leaning into camera): You can stop now. I think we've got everything.
(VOICE OC) Cut. You have to say "cut".
PETER: Sorry. And - cut!
(Shaking hands with crew)
SYLVESTER: What's that one doing over there, hm?
COLIN: Oh, that's the "Making Of" documentary.
PETER: Ahhh.
(Shot of disembodied hand dialling a number)
SYLVESTER: I'm all at sixes and sevens.
(PETER reaches into his pocket as his phone rings)
PETER (looking at phone): Oh, I was expecting this one. (Rejects call and puts phone back in his pocket.)
PETER's VOICE ON PHONE: .... I'm not here right now, please leave a message.
RUSSELL T DAVIES: Hi, Peter? hello. It's Russell T here. Russell The Davies! ha, funny! Erm, I just thought I'd phone you because I heard you were doing this video? for the fiftieth anniversary? and I thought - well, I thought I could be in it!
(Doctors happily getting on coach)
RUSSELL:... because let's face it, there wouldn't actually be a fiftieth anniversary without me, without Russell T.
(Doctors heading down coach)
RUSSELL: I had these ideas, I thought I could appear at the end? I could like, sort of, I could save you all. You could all be trapped and I could save you, or, you could all die, and I could just be left there....
(Coach departing)
RUSSELL: I become the Doctor, a Time Lord, and - I could have a catchphrase? I could have a great catchphrase, like, my catchphrase could be "Quel dommage!". Like, "Quel dommage, Davros!". Like, and I could, like, and instead of like having a sonic screwdriver I could have and... (fades)
(COLIN and SYLVESTER are sleeping at the back of the coach. PETER is on his phone)
PHONE: The next message is 27 minutes long... (RUSSELL'S voice) Hello, Peter? Hi, Russell T here... Russell The Davies, ha, funny, erm.... I just thought I'd phone you -
("Message deleted. You have no more messages.")
(TWO WEEKS LATER. Steven Moffat and (Big Finish actor) CHRISTIAN BRASSINGTON are looking at the filmed scenes.)
CHRISTIAN: Happy?
STEVEN: Very happy.
CHRISTIAN: Great. Up next is scene 19, the Daleks attack.
STEVEN: Scene 19. 19. Right.... Three Daleks.
CHRISTIAN: Shall we - start?
STEVEN: Just wondering if we need it?
CHRISTIAN: Works just as well without it.
STEVEN: And they are Daleks...
CHRISTIAN: We're overrunning by ten minutes.
STEVEN: Are we? Great, let's cut it then.
(Dalek scene is deleted)
CREDITS
CAST IN ORDER OF APPEARANCE
SEAN PERTWEE
OLIVIA COLMAN
PETER DAVISON
LOUIS DAVISON
JOEL DAVISON
JENNA COLEMAN
MATT SMITH
STEVEN MOFFAT
HEDDI-JOY TAYLOR-WELCH
LOUISA CAVEL
LAUREN KILCAR
JAMES DEHAVILAND
JANET FIELDING
SYLVESTER MCCOY
COLIN BAKER
RHYS THOMAS
GEORGIA MOFFETT
OLIVIA DARNLEY
NIKY WARDLEY
MARION BAKER
KATY MANNING
LOUISE JAMESON
CAROLE ANN FORD
DEBORAH WATLING
SOPHIE ALDRED
SARAH SUTTON
LALLA WARD
JOHN LEESON
ANNEKE WILLS
LISA BOWERMAN
MATTHEW WATERHOUSE
PAUL MCGANN
JON CULSHAW
JEMMA CHURCHILL
LUCY BAKER
BINDY BAKER
LALLY BAKER
ROSIE BAKER
BRUNO DUBOIS
PETER JACKSON
IAN MCKELLEN
JOHN BARROWMAN
ALICE KNIGHT
SARAH CHURM
NICK JORDAN
BRAD KELLY
DAVID TENNANT
RICHARD COOKSON
ELIZABETH MORTON
MARCUS ELLIOTT
TY TENNANT
BARNABY EDWARDS
NICHOLAS PEGG
DAVID TROUGHTON
NICHOLAS BRIGGS
FRANK SKINNER
ADAM PAUL HARVEY
DEREK RITCHIE
MICHAEL HOUGHTON
DAN STARKEY
RUSSELL T DAVIES
DES HUGHES
GABRIELLA RICCI
SANDRA COSFELD
CHRISTIAN BRASSINGTON
CHRISTIAN: OK so, up next is the Under-gallery scene.
STEVEN: That scene's definitely in, but I think we're gonna have to look at all the footage
CHRISTIAN: All the footage right from the top, OK.
(STEVEN's phone rings) Better take this
(Footage)
(ADAM's voice) Oh Zygons, right. Er, OK, you should be in costume. But it doesn't matter for this shot. Can you get shrouds for the Zygons please?
(Doctors are given sheets)
And if you guys can just - quick as you can yeah? - Get the hat off!
STEVEN: How's it looking?
CHRISTIAN: Perfect. Couldn't be better. So - here's take 1.
(The Undergallery scene begins, with the shrouded "statues" in shot.....)
... and credits.
